IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some countries, there are many social problems involving teenagers. This is because parents spend much of their time at work not at home. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
In the world of
today
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today,
show examples
 more and more teenagers are getting involved into solcial issues
and
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, and
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 the question is raised if
this
Linking Words
 has to do with the absence of their caregivers
due to
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 work.
Body paragraph 1
I agree that the absence of
parents
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 work can cause social
issuess
Correct your spelling
issues
 amongst teenagers. They need
role-models
Correct your spelling
role models
 and implied boundaries
and
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, and
show examples
this
Linking Words
 is difficult if they are left alone.
Therefore
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, if there is an absence of
mentors
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mentors,
show examples
naturally
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naturally,
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 peers will fill that gap
or
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, or
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 young adults spend more time in isolation or on the screen,which
in
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, in
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 my
eyes
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eyes,
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 is one of the main problems for addiction and violence. In my eyes, the
parents
Use synonyms
 have the
responsability
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 to find a better work-life balance
which
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, which
show examples
 of course is easier said
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
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 done.
Body paragraph 2
An alternative solution
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 sports and community support, which
release
Correct subject-verb agreement
releases
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 the pressure on parental guidance. There is a saying that it
needs
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takes
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 a village to
rise
Verb problem
raise
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 a child
and
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, and
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 in my opinion is not just the
parents
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 need to solve
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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parents
Use synonyms
 have a unique bond to their children and
thus
Linking Words
 they
playing
Wrong verb form
play
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 a key role
for
Change preposition
in helping
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 children
to
Wrong verb form
apply
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build a healthy sense of self-worth and belonging. So
its
Correct pronoun usage
it's
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 needless to say that their presence has a very important impact and will
also
Linking Words
 contribute
how
Change preposition
to how
show examples
 growing adults of today behave in a social context.
Conclusion
So
overall
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, I believe that the
Use synonyms
parents
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 presence in the life of their kids ,
not
Rephrase
no
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 matter what age, is of utmost importance.
While
Linking Words
 at the same time its impossible for them to be present all the time.
Linking Words
Therefore
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Therefore,
show examples
 the government needs to play a part in the support of our next generation.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Say that you agree, but that parents are not the only cause of teen social problems.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear example. For example, explain how long work hours may mean less talk, less help, and less rules at home.
task response
Your point about sport and local support is useful, but explain how it can help teens stay safe and feel part of a group.
task response
Keep the focus on the question. The last point about the government is good, but say what the government can do, such as support after-school groups or help parents work fewer hours.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, first reason, second reason, conclusion. This will make your answer easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then add an explanation and an example before moving to the next idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully, such as “For example”, “As a result”, “However”, and “In addition”. Do not use “In my eyes” many times.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and join many ideas. Split them into shorter sentences so the meaning is clear.
task response
You give a clear view that parents being away from home can lead to problems for teenagers.
task response
You also show a balanced view by saying that sport, local groups, and the government can help.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your ideas move in a sensible order: parents, other support, and a final view.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • social problems
  • teenagers
  • parental absence
  • work-life balance
  • parental guidance
  • peer influence
  • independence
  • community support
  • government initiatives
  • tackle
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