IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Giving mobile
phones
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 to
children
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 is thought to be positive ,
while
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 others think
this
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 access should be denied. In
this
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essay
Add a comma
essay,
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 I will discuss both views and give my opinion at
end
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the end
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with,
In
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in
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 recent time use of smartphones has brought lots of changes. In the past, these
devices
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 were limited only to adults and
children
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 were kept away from them. If we see , these days some parents are allowing their
kids
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 to use cellular
devices
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. Adults allow their younger ones to keep hold of these gadgets so they can remain in contact, and new features in mobiles allow them to track their
kids
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. In a recent survey, it has been found that
,
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apply
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kids
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 are using
phones
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 to study ,as lots of educational material is
availiable
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available
 online on websites,
such
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 as
Youtube
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YouTube
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. The most important aspect of
children
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 using
phones
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 is
,
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apply
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 that they remain in touch with their family, even if they are
stayin
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staying
 apart
due to
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 work commitments.
Moreover
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, modern
devices
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also
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 have the function known as parental control, which
help
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helps
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 the guardians to restrict their
offsprings
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offspring
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 from harmful content.
Body paragraph 2
On the other side, the section of society which is against the access of
phones
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 to
younger
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the younger
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 generation argues that they cannot always supervise the type of content their
kids
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 are consuming.
Therefore
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, they say that
kids
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 should never have mobile
phones
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.
For example
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,
It
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it
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 is very easy to
by-pass
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bypass
 the media restriction
that is
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 installed on
phone
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the phone
show examples
. Many type of programmes that are
availiable
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available
 online helps them to do it.
For Instance
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, the proxy servers
,
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apply
show examples
Linking Words
this service allows
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allow
show examples
 the user to go around all the restrictions and get any type of service
,
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apply
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 that has been blocked for youth. Many parents believe that their wards would waste their time
,
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apply
show examples
and may
also
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 get distracted from their education.
Therefore
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, they are against the idea that their
kids
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 should own these
devices
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
children
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 can have mobile
phones
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, but their guardians should keep
check
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a check
show examples
 on them about the use
kids
Use synonyms
 are making of phone.

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Task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. Make your view more clear in the main body, not only at the end. Say why you support phone use with parent checks.
Task response
Some ideas need more detail. For example, explain how phones help children study, speak to family, and stay safe. Then explain how too much phone time can harm school work.
Task response
Your examples are linked to the topic, but the survey and proxy server example feel general. Use one clear, real-life example, such as a child calling a parent after school.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph begin with one direct main idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Do not start many sentences with "For example" or "Therefore". Also, use "On the other hand" instead of "On the other side".
Coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the same idea. Use "children", "parents", and "mobile phones" more often. Avoid changing to words like "younger ones", "offspring", and "wards", as this can make the text less clear.
Coherence and cohesion
Make your last paragraph stronger. State your view in one clear sentence, then add the main condition: children may use phones if parents set rules and check use.
Task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show why some parents support phones, why others do not, and you give your own view.
Task response
You include useful points about contact with family, study material, parent controls, harmful content, and loss of study time.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay follows an easy-to-read order: introduction, one view, the other view, and conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
Words such as "Moreover", "Therefore", and "In conclusion" help the reader follow your main line of thought.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • phone
  • child
  • parent
  • safety
  • risk
  • rule
  • limit
  • time
  • school
  • home
  • call
  • text
  • help
  • learn
  • apps
  • plan
  • money
  • online
  • talk
  • safe
  • care
  • family
  • trust
  • danger
  • choose
  • use
  • balance
  • screen
  • emergency
  • contact
  • education
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