IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Some parents think it is good to give their children mobile phones while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
In contemporary society, technology has been taking over in all sectors of life.
While
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 some
parents
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 believe that providing
children
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 with mobile
phones
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 is beneficial for
safety
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 and connectivity, others argue that it brings detrimental distractions and health risks. In my view,
while
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 smartphones offer undeniable practical advantages, I believe they should be introduced with strict limitations
due to
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 their potential negative impacts on a child’s development.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, many
parents
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 believe that giving
children
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 mobile
phones
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 is essential for modern
safety
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 and connectivity. In an era where
children
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 frequently travel independently to school or extracurricular activities, a smartphone allows
parents
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 to track their location and ensure they arrive safely.
Furthermore
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, educational apps and digital tools can aid learning and keep
children
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 connected with their family members who live far away.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, a significant number of
parents
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 argue that mobile
phones
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 pose severe psychological and
behavioral
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behavioural
show examples
 risks. Excessive phone screen time, exposure to inappropriate online content, and cyberbullying can deeply impact a child’s mental health and academic focus.
Therefore
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,
while
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 I acknowledge the
safety
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 benefits mentioned earlier, I believe these devices become harmful when given to young
children
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 without strict parental controls and time limits.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 mobile
phones
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 provide vital tools for communication and
safety
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, their unregulated use can severely hinder a child’s focus and
wee-being
Correct your spelling
well-being
. Ultimately, I believe that technology is a valuable asset for
children
Use synonyms
, provided that
parents
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 enforce sensible boundaries rather than granting unrestricted access.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view clearly. To make your ideas stronger, add one real or clear example, such as a child calling a parent after school or a child losing sleep because of phone use.
task response
Your main points are clear: safety, learning, screen time, online harm, and bullying. Explain one or two points a little more. For example, say how too much phone time can affect sleep, school work, or time with friends.
task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same. You can make it even more direct by saying what rules parents should use, such as limited daily time, no phone use at night, and checks on apps.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part form: opening, one side, the other side, and ending. Each paragraph has one main job, so it is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your linking words work well, especially “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Furthermore”, and “Therefore”. Try not to use “while” too often. Use simple links such as “Also”, “For example”, or “As a result” when needed.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph sums up your view well. Check small word errors carefully: “wee-being” should be “well-being”. This kind of error can distract the reader.
task response
You answer every part of the question: you present reasons for giving phones, reasons against it, and a clear personal view.
task response
The ideas are relevant and easy to understand. The safety point and the point about online harm are both strong and fit the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is very clear. The reader can easily see the two different views and then your final opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Your opening and ending match well: both say phones can help children, but parents should set clear limits.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • phone
  • child
  • parent
  • safety
  • risk
  • rule
  • limit
  • time
  • school
  • home
  • call
  • text
  • help
  • learn
  • apps
  • plan
  • money
  • online
  • talk
  • safe
  • care
  • family
  • trust
  • danger
  • choose
  • use
  • balance
  • screen
  • emergency
  • contact
  • education
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