IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

In some countries, there are many social problems involving teenagers. This is because parents spend much of their time at work not at home. Do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
The issue of social problems involving
teenagers
Use synonyms
 has sparked considerable debate in recent years.Some people believe that it is because
parents
Use synonyms
 spend much
time
Use synonyms
 at workot at home,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that
parents
Use synonyms
 should take their
time
Use synonyms
 at
work
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine both perspectives before offering my own opinion.
Although
Linking Words
 both arguments have their merits,I firmly believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 should take their
time
Use synonyms
 at
work
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand,those who advocate for
parents
Use synonyms
 should take most of their
time
Use synonyms
 in the
Use synonyms
work
Punctuation problem
work,
show examples
 argue that it is essential to provide money to their
families
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
, if
parents
Use synonyms
 do not have a job, they cannot gain money to buy food for their
families
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
therefore
Punctuation problem
therefore,
show examples
 the
families
Use synonyms
 might die.
In addition
Linking Words
,
teenagers
Use synonyms
 should be more responsible for themselves.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
teenagers
Use synonyms
 should
work
Use synonyms
 part-
time
Use synonyms
 if they have leisure
time
Use synonyms
.
For example
Linking Words
,if a boy in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high school
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
has a free-
time
Use synonyms
,he can
work
Use synonyms
 at
coffee
Correct article usage
a coffee
show examples
 shop to avoid social problems.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,many who hold the belief that
parents
Use synonyms
 should not take much
time
Use synonyms
 at
work
Use synonyms
 emphasise that
teenagers
Use synonyms
 are still
young
Rephrase
too young
show examples
 to depend on themselves.
For instance
Linking Words
,a mother has a
teenager
Replace the word
teenage
 boy, she
think
Correct subject-verb agreement
thinks
show examples
 that her son
too
Verb problem
is too
show examples
 young to take control to has job.
In addition
Linking Words
,many
teenager
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers
show examples
 believe that if
he
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 make social
problem
Check wording
problems
show examples
,
studens
Correct your spelling
students
 will respect
him
Fix the agreement mistake
them
show examples
, which
a
Verb problem
is a
show examples
wrong notion.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
man
Use the right word
many
show examples
families
Use synonyms
 think their
teenagers
Use synonyms
 have
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high grades at school,but the
teenagers
Use synonyms
 are liars to their
families
Use synonyms
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
parents
Use synonyms
 should encourage their
teenagers
Use synonyms
 to
devolep
Correct your spelling
develop
 themselves.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
,
while
Linking Words
 there are valid
argumentd
Correct your spelling
arguments
 on both sides,
firmly
Correct pronoun usage
I firmly
show examples
 believe that
teenagers
Use synonyms
 should
foucis
Correct your spelling
focus
 on
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
 themselves
the
Punctuation problem
. The
show examples
 reasons outlined above clearly demonstrate that
parents
Use synonyms
 should take their
time
Use synonyms
 at
work
Use synonyms
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your own view clear in the first part. Your main view seems to be that parents need to work, but you also say that teens need more help from parents. Say how these two ideas can work together.
task response
Answer the key question more directly: do parents being away at work cause many teen problems? Explain why you agree, disagree, or agree only in part.
task response
Build each main idea with a clear reason and a real example. For example, say that long work hours can mean less talk, less care, and less help for a teen who has school or friend problems.
task response
Avoid very strong claims such as families might die. Use more true and calm ideas, such as families may have less money for food, rent, and school needs.
task response
Some examples do not strongly show the link to social problems. Explain how a part-time job, family time, school help, or rules at home can stop or lower these problems.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear plan: first state your view, then give one paragraph for why work is needed, one paragraph for why time at home is needed, and end by restating your view.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a simple main sentence. For example: “Parents need to work because they must support the family.” Then keep all the next sentences on that one point.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” are useful, but the ideas after them must clearly be different and must lead to your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end match the view in the first part. The last lines say teens should improve themselves, but the essay mainly talks about parents and work. Bring the focus back to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between sentences clear. Instead of moving from parents’ jobs to teen part-time work, explain the link: a job may teach teens duty, but it should not take the place of parent care.
task response
You discuss both sides of the issue and give your own view.
task response
You try to use examples about family money, teen work, and parent care.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an opening, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts such as “On one hand,” “On the other hand,” and “To sum up.”
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • social problems
  • teenagers
  • parental absence
  • work-life balance
  • parental guidance
  • peer influence
  • independence
  • community support
  • government initiatives
  • tackle
What to do next:
Look at other essays: