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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

MANY YOUNG PEOPLE SPEND MUCH OF THEIR FREE TIME IN SHOPPING MALLS.THIS HAS A NEGATIVE EFFECT ON THEM AND SOCIETY. TO WHAT EXTEND DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE

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Introduction
Undeniable
Correct article usage
An undeniable
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 number of
people
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 spend a significant amount of their available time in shopping malls.
This
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 affects
society
Use synonyms
 and them negatively. I strongly agree that
this
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mattes
Correct your spelling
matter
 causes issues
on
Change preposition
in
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society
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, young adults spend most of their valuable
times
Check wording
time
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 in malls.
This
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 helps them to socialise and extend their circle.
Thus
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, it is extremely beneficial for us to meet other
people
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 and spend quality time with our
friends
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.
For example
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, I would not consider my self as a social individual back
then
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, especially in my school years.
However
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, I used to go to that mall right next to our school
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 I would see all my school
friends
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 there.
As a result
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, I could regain the benefits of having
friends
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 thanks to the mall we visited all
thogether
Correct your spelling
together
 after a long academic day.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
this
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 matter prevented me
of alocating
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from allocating
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 enough time
on
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to
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 my studies.
Also
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, my
friends
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 suffered from the same issue as well. So,
this
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 is only good for
people
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 with strong
self control
Correct your spelling
self-control
.
Also
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, there are individuals who spend all their income on shopping.
This
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 is where dicipline come in. If a person can not budget properly, the results may be critical.
In addition
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,
unfortunately
Add a comma
unfortunately,
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 most of the
people
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 in our
society
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 are like
this
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.
Also
Linking Words
, when we consider average income rates and compare
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
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 to
nowadays
Correct word choice
the current
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 shopping
crises
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crises,
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 the rates are outrageous.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, even though shopping malls help us regain our social abilities and overcome our anxiety, it causes more harm
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then
Use the right word
than
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 good. Especially, in a
society
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 that can not distribute the income and demand properly.
Therefore
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, the approach to
this
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 matter should be considered more carefully.

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task response
Make your main view clearer in the first part. You say you strongly agree, but the first body part mainly shows a good side of malls. Say that this good side is small, then explain why the bad effects are greater.
task response
Give more detail about the bad effects on society, not only on students. For example, explain how too much time in malls can lead to more buying, less time in parks or at home, and money problems for many families.
task response
Use a clearer example. Your school story is personal and useful, but show how it supports your main view. Add one short example about a young person spending too much money or missing school work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. However, the first body part does not fit well with your strong view. You could begin with the good side, then clearly move to the larger bad side.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as “also” and “this matter.” Use clear links like “However,” “As a result,” “For this reason,” and “In addition.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one main idea. In the second body part, studies, self-control, spending, income, and shopping prices are all mixed. Split these into separate ideas or explain the link between them more clearly.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear overall view that shopping malls can cause more harm than good.
task response
You include both a good side and bad sides, which makes your answer more balanced.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of “To begin with,” “On the other hand,” and “To sum up” helps the reader follow the main parts of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to your main idea and gives the essay a clear close.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • retail outlets
  • consumerism
  • advertising
  • local businesses
  • neighborhood communities
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • socialize
  • amenities
  • economic growth
  • cultural homogenization
  • ecological footprint
  • entertainment
  • trends
  • brand loyalty
  • spending habits
  • mall culture
  • local shops
  • health implications
  • job opportunities
  • tourism
  • consumer debt
  • environmental impact
  • energy consumption
  • waste generation
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