IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

A recent study showed people in developed countries are not as happy as they were before development. What are the causes of this and what are some possible solutions?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
Despite significant economic progress and technological advancement in developed nations, recent studies indicate a decline in
overall
Linking Words
 societal happiness.
This
Linking Words
 essay will examine the primary causes of
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon,
such
Linking Words
 as high stress levels and weakened social bonds, and propose practical solutions to restore well-being.
Body paragraph 1
The most pressing problem faced by
people
Use synonyms
 nowadays is increased stress. Higher expectations in developed societies can result in increased
work
Use synonyms
-related stress, with longer working hours and great pressure to succeed.
For example
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 are really focused on becoming superior to their colleagues in terms of clothing, salaries, housing and many more materialistic things.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 development is costing
mental
Correct article usage
the mental
show examples
 peace of the citizens somehow.
Body paragraph 2
To mitigate these issues, a key solution is
change
Correct article usage
a change
show examples
 in
work
Use synonyms
 culture.
As it
Correct pronoun usage
It
show examples
 has been noticed that
people
Use synonyms
 are spending most of their lives worrying about
work
Use synonyms
. They are working 5 to 6 days
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a week
minimum
Punctuation problem
, minimum
show examples
, and they are left with no time for themselves.
That is
Linking Words
 why
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 governments need to step up, provide flexibility to the workers and shape
work
Use synonyms
 culture in a way that
people
Use synonyms
 feel less burdened to go to
work
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 with families can choose their working hours, should have special benefits for their families and so on.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 developing countries present formidable challenges for the netizens, particularly regarding their mental health and working conditions.
Throught
Correct your spelling
Through
 the strategic planning that provides extra incentives and special measures to assist the citizens to live a happy and decent life in
modern
Correct article usage
the modern
show examples
 era.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the question, but the causes need more depth. Add another clear cause, such as less time with family and friends, and explain how it can make people less happy.
task response
Make the link between development and unhappiness more direct. Explain why more money, new tools, and strong work goals can lead to stress, pressure, and less free time.
task response
Your work solution is useful, but add one more solution. For example, cities and schools can support free time, sports, parks, and local groups so people can meet and feel less alone.
task response
Use more exact examples. Instead of saying people want better clothes and homes, show how this may lead to debt, long work hours, or worry about other people.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, body, and end. However, the first body part gives causes, while the second gives only one solution. Use one paragraph for causes and one paragraph for two or more solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with a full clear main idea. For example: “One main cause is pressure at work.” Then explain it and give an example.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not complete or are hard to follow, especially in the last paragraph. Write a full final sentence that clearly sums up the causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words to show the order of ideas: “First,” “Also,” “As a result,” and “For this reason.” Do not use too many links in one sentence.
task response
You give a clear cause: high work pressure and the wish to have more things than other people.
task response
You offer a useful solution: more flexible work hours and help for workers with families.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly tells the reader that the essay will discuss causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
The main ideas move in a clear order from the problem to a possible answer.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • urbanization
  • technological advancements
  • social isolation
  • communication tools
  • work-related stress
  • material wealth
  • consumerism
  • economic status
  • meaningful experiences
  • relationships
  • environmental concerns
  • pollution
  • climate change
  • overpopulation
  • mental health
  • sedentary lifestyles
  • physical health
  • mental health problems
  • anxiety
  • helplessness
What to do next:
Look at other essays: