IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries the average worker is obliged to retire at the age of 50, while in others people can work until they are 65 or 70. Meanwhile, we see some politicians enjoying power well into their eighties. Clearly, there is little agreement on an appropriate retirement age. Until what age do you think people should be encouraged to remain in paid employment?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is a wide range of working
retirement
Use synonyms
 ages in the world. Some countries set the standard to retire at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 50,
while
Linking Words
 many
people
Use synonyms
 enjoy working until over the eighties.
This
Linking Words
 essay explains why I believe the suitable
age
Use synonyms
 for
retirement
Use synonyms
 is 70
years
Use synonyms
 old and the benefits for both societies and individuals.
Firstly
Linking Words
, the participation of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 plays a vital role in Japanese society. The Japanese government is facing a severe shortage of labour.
According to
Linking Words
 an article published by Nikkei newspaper, the number of
labour
Correct your spelling
labourers
show examples
 is projected to be two-thirds within 50
years
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 the
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
 is 65 now, the government will expand
this
Linking Words
age
Use synonyms
 to 70 in the next 5
years
Use synonyms
 to deal with a lack of workforce. If
this
Linking Words
 plan is implemented, the figure of labour can increase and sustain the Japanese economy.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the encouragement of working until 70 is essential for Japan.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there is enough time and
money
Use synonyms
 to enjoy their hobbies even if
people
Use synonyms
 work until 70.
This
Linking Words
 is because the average life span is now over 85
years
Use synonyms
 old. The research by the Ministry of Health in Japan discovered that 80% of middle-aged
people
Use synonyms
 answered they want to work until 70 or over to earn enough
money
Use synonyms
 to enjoy their
retirement
Use synonyms
 life. If
people
Use synonyms
 retire so early, 50
years
Use synonyms
 old,
for instance
Linking Words
, they are likely not to have lots of
money
Use synonyms
 to allocate for their hobbies.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the
age
Use synonyms
 of 70 is a
practial
Correct your spelling
practical
 idea to balance between
money
Use synonyms
 and
retirement
Use synonyms
 life. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there are some arguments for
retirement
Use synonyms
age
Use synonyms
, I believe that 70
years
Use synonyms
 old is appropriate. We must keep to consider the effect on society and individuals' well-being.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Pay attention to the clarity of ideas and elaborate slightly more on the benefits for societies and individuals to further support your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical structure to make it even more seamless. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
task achievement
You provided a complete response to the task question and covered the necessary points.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion are effectively written and frame the essay well.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured and easy to follow.
Topic Vocabulary:
    What to do next:
    Look at other essays: