IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

In some countries the average worker is obliged to retire at the age of 50, while in others people can work until they are 65 or 70. Meanwhile, we see some politicians enjoying power well into their eighties. Clearly, there is little agreement on an appropriate retirement age. Until what age do you think people should be encouraged to remain in paid employment?

#countries #worker #age #people #work #politicians #power #eighties #agreement #retirement #employment
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There is a wide range of working
retirement
Use synonyms
 ages in the world. Some countries set the standard to retire at the
age
Use synonyms
 of 50,
while
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 many
people
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 enjoy working until over the eighties.
This
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 essay explains why I believe the suitable
age
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 for
retirement
Use synonyms
 is 70
years
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 old and the benefits for both societies and individuals.
Firstly
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, the participation of elderly
people
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 plays a vital role in Japanese society. The Japanese government is facing a severe shortage of labour.
According to
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 an article published by Nikkei newspaper, the number of
labour
Correct your spelling
labourers
show examples
 is projected to be two-thirds within 50
years
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.
Although
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 the
retirement
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age
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 is 65 now, the government will expand
this
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age
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 to 70 in the next 5
years
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 to deal with a lack of workforce. If
this
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 plan is implemented, the figure of labour can increase and sustain the Japanese economy.
Consequently
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, the encouragement of working until 70 is essential for Japan.
Moreover
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, there is enough time and
money
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 to enjoy their hobbies even if
people
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 work until 70.
This
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 is because the average life span is now over 85
years
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 old. The research by the Ministry of Health in Japan discovered that 80% of middle-aged
people
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 answered they want to work until 70 or over to earn enough
money
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 to enjoy their
retirement
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 life. If
people
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 retire so early, 50
years
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 old,
for instance
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, they are likely not to have lots of
money
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 to allocate for their hobbies.
Therefore
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, the
age
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 of 70 is a
practial
Correct your spelling
practical
 idea to balance between
money
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 and
retirement
Use synonyms
 life. In conclusion,
although
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 there are some arguments for
retirement
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age
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, I believe that 70
years
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 old is appropriate. We must keep to consider the effect on society and individuals' well-being.
Submitted by nao.bb0820 on

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task achievement
Pay attention to the clarity of ideas and elaborate slightly more on the benefits for societies and individuals to further support your argument.
coherence cohesion
Work on the logical structure to make it even more seamless. Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next.
task achievement
You provided a complete response to the task question and covered the necessary points.
coherence cohesion
Both the introduction and conclusion are effectively written and frame the essay well.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured and easy to follow.
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