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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

With the vast increase in online resources, libraries with print books are not a necessity for today's society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Introduction
Because of the extreme fluctuation in online resources, actual
libraried
Replace the word
libraries
 full of physically printed books are not necessary for
todays
Correct your spelling
today's
 society. I strongly believe that
this
Linking Words
 statement is right
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 I agree that we no longer need to visit libraries in person.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the increasing improvements
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 technology
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 become a major phenomenon and made it
way
Rephrase
apply
show examples
easier for us to
reach for
Verb problem
access
show examples
 any kind of knowledge.
This
Linking Words
 situation may seem
as
Change preposition
like
show examples
 a negative situation and may have caused multiple complications.
However
Linking Words
, it has
also
Linking Words
 saved so much time for lots of people.
For instance
Linking Words
, mothers with
new born
Correct your spelling
newborn
 babies may struggle with dedicating enough time
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 education. But
todays
Correct your spelling
today's
 technology
alowes
Correct your spelling
allows
 them to access every necessary information for raising a child.
As a result
Linking Words
, they do not spend hours away from their families.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, there is a significant
lost
Replace the word
loss
 of demand for the printed books. Especially, using e-books
considered
Verb problem
is considered
show examples
 to be more environmentally friendly. And
this
Linking Words
 solution is
way
Rephrase
very
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 affordable
by the
Change preposition
for
show examples
 people with limited income.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
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 results in a more educated community.
Also
Linking Words
,
this
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 matter decreases the number of uneducated people
with in
Correct your spelling
within
 the country.
For example
Linking Words
, with
todays
Correct your spelling
today's
 average income in the United
Kingdom
Add a comma
Kingdom,
show examples
 it is impossible to visit the library regularly.
Therefore
Linking Words
, it results in
less
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
 visits and increases the aim to find other alternatives
instead
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.
Conclusion
To sum up
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, impruvemences done on technology
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 already caused so much good for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society and resulted in
less
Correct determiner usage
fewer
show examples
 visitors.
Therefore
Linking Words
, given alternatives may be a better way of consuming knowledge and may benefit us in different ways as given.

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task response
Give a more exact answer to the main idea. You agree that print libraries are not needed, but explain why all of their main jobs can be done online. You could also say what may be lost when libraries close, such as free study space or help from library staff.
task response
Make each main point more fully clear. In the first body part, show how online sources take the place of a library, not only how they save time. In the second body part, explain why e-books are less costly and how this helps people read more.
task response
Use examples that fit the point well. The example of mothers is clear, but link it more directly to online books or online library sites. The point about people in the United Kingdom not being able to visit a library is not clear, because many libraries are free to enter.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. Keep this plan, but make the link from one idea to the next more clear. Start each body part with one main point, then give a reason and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid short parts that do not form a full sentence, such as “Which results in a more educated community.” Join them to the sentence before, or write a full new sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “On the other hand” usually shows an opposite view, but your second body part still supports your view. Try “Also,” “Another reason,” or “In addition” instead.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same words for the key idea. Say “online resources,” “print books,” and “libraries” in a clear way. Phrases such as “actual libraried” and “given alternatives” make the meaning hard to follow.
task response
You state your view clearly in the first part and keep the same view through the essay.
task response
You give more than one reason for your view, including easy access, time saved, lower cost, and less harm to the environment.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear overall shape: an opening, two main body parts, and a final summary.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as “To begin with,” “For instance,” “As a result,” and “To sum up.”
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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