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Writing Samples
Band 6

TODAY MANY CHILDREN ARE OVERWEIGHT. THIS IS A SERIOUS HEALTH PROBLEM. GIVE THE REASONS FOR CHILD OBESITY AND GIVE SOLUTIONS TO HELP THEM.

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Introduction
Obesity
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 is very common nowadays. It has a tremendous impact on
children
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. It has changed the way they live.
This
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 essay will explain the reasons for
child
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obesity
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 and solutions to address
this
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 issue.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are various reasons that lead to
child
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obesity
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.
First,
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the main reason is the internet.
For instance
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,
children
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 nowadays spend most of their time playing video games, which means less time spent on sports and exercise.
Also
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, being in the virtual world reduces time spent in the real world, which is unhealthy. Second, many
children
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 today consume fast food and follow an unhealthy diet.
For example
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, many eat too much junk food and sweets, which are high in calories and low in nutrients.
Finally
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, the lack of movement and physical activity can increase the risk of
child
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obesity
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. Many of them today lead a sedentary lifestyle. Sitting in front of a computer or television adds to the problem and increases their inactivity.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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,
this
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 issue has multiple solutions.
First,
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socialisation is an incredible way to get rid of excess weight.
In addition
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,
children
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 can socialise through group activities, helping them to stay healthy and keep in shape.
Second,
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participating in organised games is an amazing way for
children
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 to lose weight.
Moreover
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, any type of action plays an important role in the process of weight loss, as it burns a significant amount of calories.
Last
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 but not least, regularly following a good and balanced diet can change much in a
child
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 suffering from
obesity
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. Parents should plan healthy home-cooked meals and not allow their
children
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 to eat restaurant meals.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that
obesity
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 is very harmful for
children
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.
Therefore
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, parents have to always keep an eye on their kids, especially regarding what they eat.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: causes and ways to help. To make your ideas stronger, explain more clearly how each cause makes children gain weight. For example, say that long screen time means children use less energy each day.
task response
Some solutions need to be more direct. “Socialisation” is not always a clear way to lose weight. Say that schools and parents can give children team sports, walks, and play time after school.
task response
Use more real and clear examples. For instance, parents can give water instead of soft drinks, serve fruit for snacks, and limit fast food to one day a week.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. The order is easy to follow. However, the first body part repeats the same idea: video games, computers, television, and little movement. Put these points together in one cause.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one main point. In the causes paragraph, use two clear causes: too much screen time and poor food. In the solutions paragraph, match them with more exercise and better food.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “First”, “Second”, “For example”, and “In conclusion” help the reader. Avoid using “On the one hand” and “On the other hand” here, because you are not showing two opposite views.
coherence and cohesion
The ending should sum up both causes and solutions, not only tell parents to watch what children eat. Add a short point about daily exercise too.
task response
You stay on the main topic and give both causes and solutions.
task response
Your points about fast food, sweets, video games, and home-cooked meals are useful and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has clear paragraphs, and the reader can see where the causes end and the solutions begin.
coherence and cohesion
You use several linking words to guide the reader through your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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