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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Buying things on the internet, such as books, air ticket and groceries, is becoming more and more popular. Do the advantages of shopping this way outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
Over the
last
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decade
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decade,
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 it has become almost normal to purchase anything online. In
this
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essay
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essay,
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 I will express the advantages and
of
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apply
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disadvantages of our modern consumerism.
Body paragraph 1
The primary advantage of shopping online is that you don'
t
Use synonyms
 have to leave your house
and
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, and
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 whatever products you have purchased will be sent to your house.
This
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 is very
convinient
Correct your spelling
convenient
,
for
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example
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example,
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 buying new
cloths
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clothes
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, the items that don'
t
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 fit can easily be sent back and don'
t
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 have to be paid for. It
safes
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saves
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 time and
also
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 makes plane tickets cheaper if you don'
t
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 have to pay a person selling them to you
and
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, and
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instead
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comparing
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compare
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 different airline companies with each other and
buying
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buy
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 the best deal.
Furthermore
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, wanting to eat a meal from a restaurant means that cravings or other wishes can be almost fulfilled immediately.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, because online shopping has grown so much over the
last
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Correct determiner usage
few years
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years
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years,
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 so
did
Wrong verb form
has
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 packaging and transport for delivery
service
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services
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.
This
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 has created not only more waste but
also
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Linking Words
also
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apply
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an entire new shopping culture where desires are
exptected
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expected
 to be
sastisfied
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satisfied
 instantly.
For instance
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, when something is not
available
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available,
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 people are becoming
inpatient
Correct your spelling
impatient
 or even annoyed at a company.
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Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
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 more traditional shops have to close their business because
its
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it's
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 expensive to sell from a physical place and pay salaries to
employes
Correct your spelling
employees
 when
instead
Linking Words
 they could sell it online for less.
Conclusion
In conclusion, despite the risk of
loosing
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losing
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 jobs and real human
interactions
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interactions,
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 I believe that having access to shopping products online means that the customer holds the responsibility
how
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for how
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 he wants to buy and what are the values he stands for.

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task response
Give a clear answer in the first part. Say that the good points are greater than the bad points, and keep this same view to the end.
task response
Explain more fully why saving time, lower air ticket prices, and home delivery are more important than waste, lost jobs, and less face-to-face contact.
task response
Your point about clothes is useful, but it is not always true that items sent back do not have to be paid for. Use a more general example, such as being able to compare price, size, and shop rules at home.
task response
The last part talks about the customer’s own values, but this does not fully answer whether the good points are greater. End by directly weighing both sides and stating why one side wins.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simpler four-part plan: introduction with your answer, one paragraph on good points, one paragraph on bad points, and a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main point in each body paragraph. In the first body paragraph, group time, choice, and price together. In the second, group waste, delivery, and shop jobs together.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “for example”, “also”, “however”, and “therefore” help, but make sure the next sentence clearly follows the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences are hard to follow. Split them into two short sentences, especially the sentence about plane tickets and the sentence about traditional shops.
task response
You discuss both sides of online shopping and give a clear range of real examples, including clothes, air tickets, food, waste, and jobs.
task response
Your own view is present in the conclusion, so the reader can see that you support online shopping overall.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear beginning, two main body parts, and an ending. The move from good points to bad points is easy to see.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as “For example”, “Furthermore”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • E-commerce
  • Digital marketplace
  • Online transaction
  • Cybersecurity
  • Fraudulent websites
  • Convenience
  • Variety
  • Flexibility
  • Price comparison
  • Customer review
  • Return policy
  • Brick-and-mortar store
  • Physical inspection
  • Data breach
  • Economic impact
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