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Band 5.5

Write about the following topic: Some species of animals are almost extinct; and many others seem to be fast approaching a similar risk. What are the reasons for this? What should be done to solve this problem? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

#topic #species #animals #risk
It is apparent that a
number
 of animal species are facing
extinction
. In
this
 essay, I will explain the key reasons behind the increasing
number
 of animal
extinction
Fix the agreement mistake
extinctions
show examples
 and propose some ways to alleviate them. There are basically three reasons that contribute towards higher levels of animal
extinction
.
Firstly
, it is
due to
 the high
number
 of illegal poaching of endangered
animals
 to be sold in
black
Add an article
the black
show examples
 market by irresponsible parties. As illegal animal poachers take benefits for their own
shake
Correct your spelling
sake
show examples
, they do it frequently.
Secondly
, the increasing
number
 of urbanizations encroach
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 ecosystem of
animals
. To illustrate, to sustain
growing
Add an article
the growing
show examples
 population of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
, more and more space is needed for agriculture.
Consequently
, many
animals
 lose their habitat. Because of
this
, they tend to look for some food
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 residential areas
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them conflicted with
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
, which
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the end
cause
Replace the word
causes
show examples
 them killed. Two solutions that can be taken to overcome the problem are explained as follows.
First,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should give more severe punishment to the illegal hunters. If the given punishment does not
give
Verb problem
have
show examples
deterrent
Correct article usage
a deterrent
show examples
 effect, they will always do
over
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the activity again.
Furthermore
, there is a need to build more national parks where human activity is limited. When
animals
 live in conservation, their food is fulfilled, and they can avoid conflicts with
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
. In conclusion, animal
extinction
 is commonly caused by human activities. The solutions for the problem are two-fold: giving severe punishment to reduce illegal poaching and building national parks to maintain sustainable animal
habitat
Fix the agreement mistake
habitats
show examples
.
Submitted by alfinkarimah008 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear response to the task and addresses both parts of the question effectively. However, it can be improved by providing more specific examples and evidence to support the points made. Consider adding real-world examples or statistics to strengthen the arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a logical structure with distinct paragraphs for different points. However, make sure that each point is fully developed and explained. Slightly improving the transitions between paragraphs can make the essay flow better.
introduction conclusion present
The essay has a clear introduction and a well-summarized conclusion, which helps in understanding the overall argument.
supported main points
The main points in the essay are clearly supported and explained, making the arguments convincing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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