IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

It is important for children, young adults, working people and the retired to have at least one hobby. What's your opinion about this?

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Introduction
I absolutely agree that everyone should have
hobbies
Use synonyms
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 at any stage of their life. As
“
Correct article usage
a “hobby”
show examples
hobby
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”, I consider any activities
tha
Correct your spelling
that
 someone
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 for pleasure purposes only.
Body paragraph 1
For example
Linking Words
, children and young adults have their
time
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 at school, they do different sorts of activities, but they have
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 educational purpose.
Body paragraph 2
Children and young adults should be able to get home and do something only for fun. Even when the activity involves learning something, when
it’s
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 a
hobby
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, there’s no pressure, no stress, only the fact that they’re doing what they enjoy, for fun.
Such
Linking Words
 as playing an instrument, or only listening to music, playing outdoors with friends, painting, playing sports, etc. A
hobby
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 can involve commitment, or not. In my case, I used to play with friends on the street when I was a kid.
This
Linking Words
 was my
hobby
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. As I was growing up, I started to listen to music and play guitar and found myself enjoying other
hobbies
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.
Body paragraph 3
The same applies
for
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to
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 retired
people
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. They should all have
hobbies
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 in their
lifes
Correct your spelling
lives
. After so many years spent mostly working,
it’s
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 great for them
having
Wrong verb form
to have
show examples
 some activities to focus on. But, again, no pressure involved. Retired
people
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 usually have more free
time
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 to spend doing what they actually enjoy, so, if they have the chance,
the
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 should accumulate as many
hobbies
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 as they can and relax during retirement.
Body paragraph 4
People
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then
Linking Words
 might find
easy
Correct pronoun usage
it easy
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 to say that kids, teenagers and retired
people
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 should have
hobbies
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, since they usually have more free
time
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. But what about working
people
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? Yes, they definitely should have
hobbies
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, and I would say that they need those.
Conclusion
Bring
Wrong verb form
Being
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 a working person nowadays
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it’s
Correct pronoun usage
is
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 not easy.
People
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 spend several hours at work, on the way to work, on the way back home, taking care of their family, cleaning their houses, doing shopping, cooking the next day’s lunch, etc.
They’re
Correct your spelling
There are
 plenty of tasks that can’t be skipped, so
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 when do these
people
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 enjoy themselves and do something for fun?
It’s
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 important to have
this
Linking Words
 in mind and value any free
time
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 doing any sort of
hobby
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 that
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 them feel relaxed,
instead
Linking Words
 of productive. Working
people
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 are the ones who mostly need a
hobby
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, so they can enjoy life as it should be enjoyed, with no pressure, deadlines or bosses. Just doing something because it makes them feel good.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start: hobbies are good for people at every age. You cover all four groups, which is good. To make the answer stronger, add a short final paragraph that brings your main idea together.
task response
Give a little more detail about why hobbies matter. For example, say that they can help people rest, feel happy, meet others, and keep the mind active. This will make your main points more full.
task response
Your own story about playing in the street and learning guitar is useful. Add one clear example for retired people and working people too. This will make each part feel equally strong.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: young people, retired people, then working people. Keep this plan, but make each body paragraph begin with one main point. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long or are joined in an unclear way. Use shorter sentences. For example, write: "Working life is not easy. Many people spend hours at work and at home."
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words to show the next idea: "First", "Also", "However", "For this reason", and "In the end". Do not repeat "But, again" too often.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word errors that can stop clear reading. Write "an activity that someone does", "their lives", "they should", "Being a working person", "There are many tasks", and "a hobby that makes them feel relaxed".
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear opinion all the way through the essay.
task response
You include children, young adults, working people, and retired people. This shows that you have fully understood the topic.
task response
The point about hobbies giving people time without stress or pressure is clear and meaningful.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are in a sensible order, and the move to working people creates interest.
coherence and cohesion
The question "But what about working people?" works well to bring in a new part of the answer.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • hobby
  • important
  • people
  • ages
  • child
  • adult
  • work
  • life
  • health
  • stress
  • joy
  • learn
  • skill
  • practice
  • focus
  • creativity
  • social
  • friend
  • family
  • time
  • balance
  • routine
  • memory
  • brain
  • move
  • walk
  • read
  • draw
  • music
  • sport
  • club
  • group
  • free
  • easy
  • enjoy
  • try
  • start
  • small
  • example
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