IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays it's possible for people to buy many products or pay for treatments that help them to look younger. Is this a good thing or a bad thing?

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Introduction
Eternal youth has always been some type of desired myth
on
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in
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 every
civilization
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civilisation
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. Even if science has already proven that it is impossible for humans to stop the process of getting older, it is possible, on a surface level, to make
this
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 process less visible.
Body paragraph 1
Nowadays there are tons of brands and laboratories especialised on
products
Use synonyms
 that retard the natural aging of our skin. The primary components
on
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of
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 those types of
products
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 are collagen and hyaluronic acid, which is great, because our organism already produces those naturally, but as we get older, it decreases the
productions
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production
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, causing
flacid
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flaccid
 and dull skin.
Body paragraph 2
The big concern on
this
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 topic is the beauty
standarts
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standards
 and how it affects peoples self steem. It is not seen
,
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apply
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 anymore
,
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apply
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 as a natural, human thing to get the appearance of being old. On platforms
such
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 as Instagram and
Youtube
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YouTube
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, there are a lot of content creators
that
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who
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 advertise
products
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 of that kind and reinforce that the real beauty is to be young.
Body paragraph 3
On that note, as much as it is not dangerous and unhealthy, on a
phisical
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physical
 level, to use those
products
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 — when we talk about those that are tested and approved by vigilance organisations — it is very compromising for people’s mental health to be subjected to
this
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 extent of
standart
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standard
, one that makes them think that a natural process shouldn’t be happening to them.
Conclusion
On
another side
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the other hand
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, we have the treatments made
on
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in
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 clinics, and those can be seen as dangerous. Modifying their
bodys
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bodies
 and injecting substances
on
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into
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 them are the easiest
way
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ways
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 for people to
mantain
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maintain
 the youth, - again, on a surface level — but the real question is, at what cost, what good can
this
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 give them? None, should be the answer, but people go
throught
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through
 any pain to be accepted.

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task response
Give your view clearly in the first part. For example, say that these products are mostly a bad thing because they can harm how people feel about ageing.
task response
Answer both parts of the question fully. Explain why skin products may be safe, then explain why clinic work may be risky. Make clear which point is more important.
task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and result. For example, social media shows young faces, so some older people may feel shame or fear about their looks.
task response
Use one or two clear real-life examples. You mention Instagram and YouTube well, but explain how adverts or edited photos can push people to buy more products or have clinic work.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: skin products, social media, then clinic work. Keep this order, but begin each body part with one short main sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Add a short ending. Restate your view and sum up the two main points: pressure from beauty ideas and risks from some clinic work.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly with simple words such as “However”, “As a result”, “For this reason”, and “In contrast”. This will help the reader follow your view.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid asking several questions at the end. Change them into direct statements, so your final point is stronger and easier to follow.
task response
You discuss both everyday skin products and work done in clinics, so your answer covers the main parts of the topic.
task response
Your point about social media and pressure to stay young is relevant and thoughtful.
coherence and cohesion
The opening gives useful background and leads into the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph focuses mainly on one idea, which makes the essay easy to follow.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • look younger
  • young
  • look
  • product
  • cream
  • pill
  • treatment
  • surgery
  • buy
  • cost
  • price
  • safe
  • danger
  • risk
  • health
  • doctor
  • rules
  • laws
  • advertising
  • pressure
  • body image
  • self-esteem
  • confidence
  • inequality
  • rich
  • poor
  • choice
  • decision
  • natural aging
  • accept aging
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