IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

23.Some people think the main purpose of schools is to turn the children into good citizens and workers rather than to benefit them as individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Write an essay with no less than 250 words.

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Education is extremely important for the physical and mental development of students. It's argued that the greatest purpose of schools is to help children to function as good members of society,
while
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 others believe that the focus should be on individual characteristics in
order
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 to discover unique features of a child. I agree with the latter statement, and
this
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 essay will explain why. First and foremost, providing education in
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 to graduate students who will become useful for their country has merit. If young people are aware of the rules and laws in their nation,
this
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 leads to appropriate behaviours towards colleagues and other citizens in general.
However
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, I do not think that
this
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 should be a priority of schools, because it will not bring an understanding to children about who they are and what they want to do in their life.
For example
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, many Russian citizens discover their natural preferences and interests only when they turn thirty, just because in the past, many schools focused on civic education in
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 to develop patriotism, encouraging everyone to be the same as others.
Additionally
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, it is essential to listen to the child's voice, supporting their natural needs, because
this
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 eventually will help discover their secret talents and unique abilities. By participating in play and learning experiences that students truly love,
instead
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 of pushing them to concentrate on skills and subjects which are generally approved by the government, learners discover the individual features that help them to decide what occupation they want to have in the future.
For instance
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, one of the most famous musicians Elvis Presley was judged by educators for poor performance at school and being not able to achieve
overall
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 scores for passing exams. In conclusion, if the educational system is focused on creating productive employees and citizens only, people will lack their unique abilities causing disinterest in their work and even depression.
Hence
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, it is vital to concentrate on child's needs and wants, in
order
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 to help them to become a confident individual who is free to make a choice about their future career.

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introduction
Ensure that the introduction clearly outlines the main points that will be discussed in the essay. Avoid stating the topic directly as given, instead paraphrase and introduce your viewpoint in a more sophisticated manner.
paragraph structure
Make certain that each paragraph contains a clear main idea, and that all sentences within the paragraphs are logically connected and well-organized to support the main point.
examples
When offering examples, it is important to explain how they relate directly to the main argument. It strengthens the coherence of your essay when examples are clearly linked to your points.
conclusion
Work on the conclusion to ensure that it summarises the main points of the essay effectively, reflects back on the introduction, and provides a final viewpoint. Try not to introduce any new arguments or examples in the conclusion.
development of ideas
Develop the ideas more comprehensively by tying them back to the question prompt. Explain how these ideas answer the question, showing a deeper understanding of the topic and a thorough exploration of the issue.
task response
To achieve better task achievement, the essay should consistently focus on addressing the question throughout. All parts of the prompt must be addressed equally, providing a balanced argument without digressing from the subject.
cohesion
For a higher score in coherence and cohesion, use a broader range of linking words and phrases to show the relationship between ideas. Work on the logical flow of paragraphs, ensuring that the connection between your ideas is seamless and contributes to the overall argument.
language
Increase the variety of vocabulary and sentence structures to improve the overall linguistic quality of the essay. This contributes to the coherence by allowing for a more nuanced expression of ideas.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • social responsibility
  • foundational knowledge
  • career success
  • economic contribution
  • personal development
  • critical thinking
  • creativity
  • emotional intelligence
  • balanced education
  • community well-being
  • holistic education
  • academic and personal growth
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