IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

More and more people are suffering from health problems caused by a modern lifestyle which cannot be treated with modern medicines. Some people think that a return to traditional medicine should be encouraged. To what extent do you agree?

An increasing proportion of the population is becoming more prone to diseases
as a result
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 of the modern sedentary lifestyle. It is
also
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 evident that medications are not completely effective at curing all the emerging conditions and some
people
Use synonyms
 are
therefore
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 advocating for the return of traditional
medicine
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.
This
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 essay will explain the reasons behind my firm disagreement with re-introducing traditional
medicine
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.
Firstly
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, the success of traditional
medicine
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 in the past was partially
due to
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 the majority of
people
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 leading a healthy lifestyle and
people
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 only became unwell with simple infections or wounds.
In contrast
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, many
people
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 of the current age have multiple co-morbidities
such
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 as diabetes, hypertension and thyroid dysfunction which are interlinked with each other. It is
therefore
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 extremely important to administer medications that are not contraindicated to each other or another illness. Pharmaceutical companies carry out extensive research and trials before licensing a medication and comes with a comprehensive list of indications and contraindications; it can
therefore
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 be trusted to be safe. The same satisfaction and guarantee for safety
is
Change the verb form
are
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 not available with traditional remedies.
Furthermore
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, modern
medicine
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 is in fact an evolution of traditional
medicine
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. Many English medications were derived from traditional medical substances in which the active ingredient was identified and purified.
This
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 means the side effects that could arise from unwanted substances were eliminated. Returning to the use of original traditional
medicine
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 can add various unwanted side effects and cause patients to encounter unnecessary complications. It is
therefore
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 more sensible to continue with
further
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 research and improve the current medication rather than returning to the past. In conclusion, I strongly oppose the idea of bringing back traditional
medicine
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 to wider use as it is unlikely to be suitable for the modern patient and is likely to complicate the situation with additional side effects.

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task response
Make your introduction more engaging by starting with a general statement about health issues in modern society.
coherence cohesion
Use linking words and phrases to make connections between your ideas clearer, such as 'however','moreover', and 'for example'.
task response
Include more specific examples or case studies when discussing the effectiveness of modern medicine versus traditional medicine.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with a good introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You presented strong arguments for why modern medicine is preferable to traditional medicine.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • chronic conditions
  • holistic approach
  • preventive care
  • natural remedies
  • cultural heritage
  • ancestral knowledge
  • integration
  • complementary healthcare
  • regulation
  • standardization
  • scientific validation
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