IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say government should give health care the first priorities, some others believe education is more important priorities to spend the taxpayers' money. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays, some
people
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 believe that governments should prioritise spending on
healthcare
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,
while
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 others argue that
education
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 is a more important area in which to invest taxpayers' money.
This
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 essay will discuss both views before explaining why I believe that
education
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 should receive greater financial support.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
healthcare
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 services are essential for society, particularly in countries facing the problem of an ageing population.
Although
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 the number of elderly
people
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 requiring regular medical treatment is increasing, the birth rate is declining in many developed countries.
As a result
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, governments need to provide sufficient financial support to hospitals and
healthcare
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 providers so that they can offer appropriate care to a growing elderly population.
This
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 investment can help improve medical facilities, increase the number of
healthcare
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 professionals and ensure that older
people
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 receive timely treatment.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, government investment in
education
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 can provide significant long-term benefits for society. One important advantage is that affordable
education
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 could reduce the financial burden on families. When parents consider having children, they may be concerned about the cost of educating them from elementary school to university.
Therefore
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, providing affordable or free
education
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 could encourage some
people
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 to have larger families.
Furthermore
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, greater government funding for
education
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 could reduce the burden of student loans. Since a university degree can improve young
people
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's employment opportunities and earning potential, making higher
education
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 more affordable would allow more students to pursue their studies without experiencing serious financial difficulties.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
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healthcare
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 is essential, especially for countries with ageing populations, I believe that governments should give greater priority to
education
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. Providing affordable or free
education
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 at different levels can reduce financial pressure on families and students
while
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 contributing to the long-term development of society.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully why school should come before health care when money is limited.
task response
Your health care paragraph is clear, but your education paragraph needs a closer link to the main question. Show more directly how more money for schools helps the whole country.
task response
Use one or two real or clear made-up cases. For example, say how free school can help a poor child get a good job, or how more hospital money can cut waiting time.
coherence and cohesion
The order is easy to follow: start, one side, the other side, then your view. Keep this clear four-part plan.
coherence and cohesion
Your linking words work well, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Furthermore”, and “In conclusion”. Add a short link in the last paragraph to show why your view is stronger than the health care view.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear idea. In the education paragraph, group the ideas more closely: first family costs, then student loans, then the wider good for the country.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you cover health care, education, and your own view.
task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same in the end.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, body, and end, so it is easy to read.
coherence and cohesion
The main ideas move in a natural order, and the end sums up your key points well.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Universal healthcare
  • Preventative measures
  • Productivity
  • Innovation
  • Economic prosperity
  • Alleviate
  • Resource allocation
  • Public-private partnerships
  • Informed electorate
  • Fiscal responsibility
  • Primary education
  • Higher education
  • Life expectancy
  • Civic engagement
  • Sustainable development
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