IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Only people who earn a lot of money are successful. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

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Introduction
It is argued that
success
Use synonyms
 only comes from high salaries. I
completly
Correct your spelling
completely
 disagree with the statement, since I believe
success
Use synonyms
 to be a subjective concept, not only measurable through the amount of
money
Use synonyms
 earned.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, having a successful career is not a high priority for everybody.
While
Linking Words
 many believe that achieving financial stability and having good job prospects is the only way to succeed, others might
prioritize
Change the spelling
prioritise
show examples
 freedom of movement and life experience. Indeed, recent studies have shown that an increasing number of young
people
Use synonyms
 prefer working part-time, relocating and changing career
path
Check wording
paths
show examples
often, aiming for a better work/life balance.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the amount of
money
Use synonyms
 earned and saved loses points in the scale of priorities, overtaken by free time and travelling.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
Linking Words
, other
people
Use synonyms
 might choose a career path that gives high job
sadisfaction
Correct your spelling
satisfaction
 but very little financial rewards.
For example
Linking Words
, teachers are notoriously underpaid in many countries, but still many
people
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 choose teaching as their profession because they are passionate about young
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
 education and upbringing.
Therefore
Linking Words
, for them
Use synonyms
success
Punctuation problem
, success
show examples
in
Verb problem
is
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 not measured by their financial status, but by the impact they can have on children.
Body paragraph 3
Finally
Linking Words
, having a happy family could
also
Linking Words
 be the way some
people
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 measure their
success
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.
While
Linking Words
 having a job is necessary to support a family, it is not true that a lot of
money
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 needed for it to be successful.
For instance
Linking Words
, a family with two children, and
parentes
Correct your spelling
parents
 with regular jobs, can still be happy and live,
overall
Linking Words
, a nice life.
Moreover
Linking Words
, scholarships and
government's
Correct article usage
the government's
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 funds can give kids from different backgrounds and less
privilaged
Correct your spelling
privileged
 situations, the same opportunities that healthier families have.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that the way
people
Use synonyms
 measure
success
Use synonyms
 varies, and it certainly can not be limited to the amount of
money
Use synonyms
 earned, since it largely depends on
people
Use synonyms
's goals, dreams and objectives.

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task response
Your answer clearly disagrees and gives three main reasons: free time, job love, and family life. To make the ideas stronger, explain more fully why each one should count as success.
task response
Use more exact examples. The teacher example is helpful, but you could add a short real case, such as a teacher who feels proud when a child learns to read.
task response
Some points need more care. The part about state help for children moves away from the main idea. Link it more clearly to success in family life, or leave it out.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, three body parts, and a clear end. Keep this plan, as it makes your view easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your linking words, such as “Firstly”, “Moreover”, “Finally”, and “In conclusion”, help the reader. Add smoother links inside each part, so the ideas do not feel like separate points.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part follow one clear path: main point, reason, example, then a short link back to success. This will make the flow more natural.
task response
You state your view at once and keep the same view from start to end.
task response
The essay uses useful and relevant ideas about work, free time, helping children, and family life.
coherence and cohesion
Each main idea has its own paragraph, so the text is easy to read.
coherence and cohesion
The final paragraph clearly brings the main ideas back to the question.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • subjective
  • fulfillment
  • personal happiness
  • contributions to society
  • volunteering
  • activism
  • personal achievements
  • academic accomplishments
  • mastering a skill
  • indicators of success
  • independent of monetary wealth
  • financial stability
  • monetary wealth
  • emotional well-being
  • societal impact
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