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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many elder people are no long look after their families but are put in care home and nursing homes.What are advantages and disadvantages of this .

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Introduction
In contemporary society, many elderly
people
Use synonyms
 are sent to special healthcare facilities for various reasons. Regarding
this
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 trend, it is widely debated whether it exerts positive or negative effects on individuals.
While
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 sending seniors to healthcare facilities makes one feel less lonely and taken care of thoroughly by professionals, it increases broken relationships among family and bring significant amount of hospitality fees as well.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, seniors who are in a nursing home do not need to feel left out, as they are surrounded by those of their own age.
For instance
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, in Korea, many elders prefer to be in special homes because there are higher chances of making more friends.
Moreover
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, old
people
Use synonyms
 can have focused treatments by professionals
such
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 as doctors and nurses.
For example
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, family in Seoul tend to send their parents to facilities to provide special health care.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, the process of sending elderly
people
Use synonyms
 can bring family conflict. It is notable that
,
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apply
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 the number of broken family have increased in the US as they are sent regardless of their will.
In addition
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 to
this
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, the special care fee can be overwhelming as it costs a huge amount of money. For an illustration, the number of Korean households with loans
as the medical expenses
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apply
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for their parents are extremely high.
Conclusion
In conclusion, allowing elders to be placed in nursing homes
instead
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 of being looked after by their families provides higher chances to meet new
people
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.
Along with
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this
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, they can
also
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 have well treatments by specialists.
In contrast
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,
this
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 process can split up a family as they are sent away against their will.
Moreover
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, it brings financial pressure for the nursing fee.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question. Make your main ideas more clear by saying who gets each good or bad result: older people, their children, or the whole family.
task response
Give fuller reasons for each point. For example, explain how living with people of the same age can help older people feel less alone, and why a care home fee can put stress on a family.
task response
Some examples are too broad. Instead of saying that many families in Korea or the US do this, give a clear possible case, such as an older person who needs daily health care that a busy child cannot give at home.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: opening, good points, bad points, and ending. Keep this form, but make the opening sentence state the two main sides more directly.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Words such as “Moreover”, “On the other hand”, and “In addition” help, but some sentences need a clearer link to the point before them.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each part. In the first body part, start with social life and then explain it fully before moving to health care. Do the same in the second part with family ties and cost.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “For example” and “For an illustration”. You can use “This is because”, “As a result”, or simply add the example after the main point.
task response
You cover both the good and bad sides of care homes, including friendship, expert care, family problems, and cost.
task response
Your ending sums up the main ideas from both body parts and gives a clear final view of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The reader can follow your ideas easily because each body part has a clear focus.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear signposts such as “To begin with”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” to show the order of your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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