IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people say the government should not put money into building theaters and sports stadiums, they should spend more money on medical care and education. To what extent do you agree or disagree this opinion?

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that
Use synonyms
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 spending is
argumental
Correct your spelling
arguable
.
While
Linking Words
 it is a commonly held
believe
Replace the word
belief
 that
portion
Correct article usage
a portion
show examples
 of society
discuss
Correct subject-verb agreement
discusses
show examples
 that
Use synonyms
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 allocations for
entertaiment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
 facilities
such
Linking Words
 as
theaters
Change the spelling
theatres
show examples
 and stadiums are
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of money and that spending should be put
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 high
amount
Fix the agreement mistake
amounts
show examples
 into necessary parts of an economy like medical
care
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
, there is
also
Linking Words
 an argument that
opposite
Verb problem
argues the opposite
show examples
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. In my opinion,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 consider it true persuasion
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 in
this
Linking Words
 essay,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 will justify my view.
Body paragraph 1
To start with,
Allocating
Correct determiner usage
allocating a
show examples
 huge portion of the
Use synonyms
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 budget to
unncessary
Correct your spelling
unnecessary
 sectors
such
Linking Words
 as sports and building
theaters
Change the spelling
theatres
show examples
 has its own consequences on the essentials
namely
Punctuation problem
, namely
show examples
 health
care
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
In other words
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 spending
behavior sooner or later will
Correct word order
behaviour will sooner or later
show examples
 contribute negatively to these important fields.
For
Linking Words
example
Punctuation problem
example,
show examples
 in a country where senior citizens present approximantely high percentage of the population, these
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
people
Use synonyms
 need special medical
care
Use synonyms
 infrastructure and treatment. To elaborate more,
goverment
Use synonyms
 in order to deal with
this
Linking Words
 matter,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
needs to increase the number of hospitals
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will directly
boosts
Wrong verb form
boost
show examples
 the capacity of the health
care
Use synonyms
 field and provide treatment for different types of diseases. In top of that,
goverment
Use synonyms
 must pay attention to
education
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will contribute to the
elemination
Correct your spelling
elimination
 of illiteracy and make its
people
Use synonyms
 serve their country and help in
term
Check wording
terms
show examples
 of development.
Body paragraph 3
Another point to discuss, other
people
Use synonyms
 argue that
entertaiment
Correct your spelling
entertainment
 is as important as other fields. It is possible to say that they find it one of the quality
life
Change preposition
of life
show examples
 factors.
For instance
Linking Words
, most young
people
Use synonyms
 find their passion in sports
such
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 as football, basketball and marathon
..etc these kind
Punctuation problem
, etc. These kinds
show examples
 of sports needs special equiped placed so they can practice their hobbies. On
another
Correct determiner usage
the other
show examples
 hand, there is a portion of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society where they find themselves
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
acting
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they need
place
Correct article usage
a place
show examples
 to perform
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 that could be
away
Check wording
a way
show examples
 to get them a role in a movie or
tv
Capitalize the proper name
TV
show examples
 show.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
, regardless
Use synonyms
people
Change preposition
of people
show examples
 having different views regarding
this
Linking Words
 matter,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 believe that essential sectors
such
Linking Words
 as
education
Use synonyms
 and medical
care
Use synonyms
 are worthy
to invest
Change preposition
of
show examples
 more
on them
Check wording
investment
show examples
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 together will improve the
scoiety
Correct your spelling
society's
 health and contribute to its success through educated
people
Use synonyms
.

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task response
State your view in one clear sentence: you mostly agree that health care and schools should get more money. Keep this same view in every main paragraph.
task response
Explain why health care and education need more money, then explain why theaters and sports places still have some value. This will make your answer more full and fair.
task response
Use more clear examples. For health care, explain how more hospitals can help old people. For education, show how better schools can help people get work and help the country.
task response
Make your final view stronger. Say that fun places should not get no money; they should get less money when health care and education have greater needs.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, health care and education, theaters and sports, conclusion. Your essay already follows this plan, but each paragraph needs a clearer main point.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a direct topic sentence. For example: “Health care and education should come first because they meet basic needs.”
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as “First”, “Also”, “However”, “For example”, and “Therefore”. Do not use too many long opening phrases.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “government”, “spending”, and “important” many times. Use simple changes such as “the state”, “public money”, “funds”, and “key areas” when needed.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and hard to follow. Write shorter sentences with one main idea in each sentence. Check that each sentence has a clear subject and verb.
task response
You give a clear overall view that health care and education should receive more public money.
task response
You include both sides of the issue, including the need for sports and theater places for young people and actors.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use examples about older people, hospitals, young people, and sports to support your ideas.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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