IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The bar charts below shows the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged 12 to 19 by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014.

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
The bar charts below shows the prevalence of obesity among boys and girls aged 12 to 19 by ethnicity, in the United States for the years 2004 and 2014.
The two graphs illustrate the prevalence of obesity among boys and
girls
Use synonyms
 aged 12 to 19 by ethnicity in the United States over the period 2004 to 2014.
This
Linking Words
 report aims to summarise the key trends,significant comparisons and notable changes highlighted in the data.
Overall
Linking Words
,it is evident that
non-hispanic
Use synonyms
 black among
girls
Use synonyms
 in 2014
experinced
Correct your spelling
experienced
 a marked increase,with the highest value represented in
non-hispanic
Use synonyms
 black in 2014,
while
Linking Words
non-hispanic
Use synonyms
 white in 2004
represnts
Correct your spelling
represents
 the smallest.Another notable trend is the
Use synonyms
non-hispanic
Capitalize the proper name
non-Hispanic
show examples
 black in 2004 and
Use synonyms
non-hispanic
Capitalize the proper name
non-Hispanic
show examples
 white in 2014,which have almost identical percentages over the period.
Initially
Linking Words
,
non-hispanic
Use synonyms
 black among
girls
Use synonyms
 in 2014 accounted for 29%,making it the highest among all categories.
This
Linking Words
 is followed by
hispanic
Capitalize the proper name
Hispanic
show examples
 among boys in 2014 ,which represnts approximetaly 27%,
sigmifcantly
Correct your spelling
significantly
 lower than the largest category.
In contrast
Linking Words
,the
conteribution
Correct your spelling
contribution
 of
non-hispanic
Use synonyms
 white among
girls
Use synonyms
 is relatively insignificant,with a percentage of only 9%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,a noticeable trend is the uniformity between
Use synonyms
non-hispanic
Capitalize the proper name
non-Hispanic
show examples
 white
amd
Correct your spelling
and
 black among
girls
Use synonyms
 ,which both show similar growth patterns over the period.
To sum up
Linking Words
,the data highlighted the prevalence of obesity among boys and
girls
Use synonyms
 aged 12 to 19 by ethnicity in the United States ,
the
Change preposition
with the
show examples
 most significant feature standing out.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 69%.
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words girls, non-hispanic with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "percentages" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • prevalence
  • obesity
  • ethnic groups
  • trend
  • gender differences
  • public health
  • interventions
  • demographic
  • disparities
  • insight
  • analysis
  • comparison
  • proportion
  • fluctuation
  • longitudinal study
What to do next:
Look at other essays: