IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Modern cities should be designed to encourage people to spend time together in shared public spaces rather than primarily focusing on private housing and commercial buildings. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is often argued that modern cities should be designed to encourage
people
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 to spend more
time
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 together in shared public
spaces
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 rather than focusing mainly on private housing and commercial buildings.
However
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, I personally agree with
this
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view
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 because public
spaces
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 can strengthen
community
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relationships
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 and improve
people
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's quality of
life
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.
Body paragraph 1
The primary reason why I agree with
this
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view
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 is that shared public
spaces
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 can strengthen
community
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relationships
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.
This
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 is mainly because
people
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 can come together and interact with others in these places.
In other words
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, public
spaces
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 provide opportunities for social interaction and cooperation among residents.
For example
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, neighbours may meet in a public park and take part in
community
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 activities together.
As a result
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,
people
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 can develop stronger
relationships
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 and a greater sense of
community
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.
Therefore
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, I believe that cities should provide more shared public
spaces
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.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, another important reason why I agree with
this
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view
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 is that public
spaces
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 can improve
people
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's quality of
life
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 by providing opportunities for leisure and recreation.
This
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 is because
people
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 need
time
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 for relaxation and recreational activities after work or study.
For instance
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, residents can visit parks and other shared areas to spend their free
time
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 with family or friends.
Consequently
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,
people
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 can enjoy more leisure activities and have greater
overall
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life
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 satisfaction.
Therefore
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, I strongly agree with
this
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view
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly agree with the
view
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 that modern cities should encourage
people
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 to spend
time
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 together in shared public
spaces
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.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because public
spaces
Use synonyms
 can strengthen
community
Use synonyms
relationships
Use synonyms
 and improve
people
Use synonyms
's quality of
life
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same. To make it stronger, explain why public spaces should have more care than homes and work places, not only why parks are good.
task response
Your two main ideas are useful: people can meet, and people can rest. Add one more step of detail in each body part, such as how more trust between neighbours can make a city safer or kinder.
task response
Your examples fit the ideas, but they are quite general. Give a more real picture, for example a park with play areas, seats, and free events for people of different ages.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part form: opening, two main parts, and ending. Keep this clear form in future work.
coherence and cohesion
The links between ideas are clear, but some are used many times, especially “This is because”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “Therefore”. Use fewer link words when the meaning is already clear.
coherence and cohesion
Try to make each main part flow more naturally. After the first main sentence, give the reason, develop it with an example, then state the result without repeating “I agree with this view” at the end of each part.
task response
You answer the full question directly and give a clear opinion throughout the essay.
task response
The two main ideas are relevant and easy to understand: stronger ties between people and a better daily life.
coherence and cohesion
Each paragraph has one clear main idea, so the reader can follow your argument with ease.
coherence and cohesion
Your opening and ending clearly match, and the ending sums up your main ideas well.
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