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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

at the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively larg number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that
youth
Correct article usage
the youth
show examples
 generation is crucial for a nation's future.
While
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 it is a
commonaly
Correct your spelling
commonly
 held belief that when a large proportion of a
country
Use synonyms
's population consists of young
people
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, that could lead to greater
development
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 in a
country
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,
There
Fix capitalization
there
show examples
 is
also
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 an argument that when young adults make up the majority of a society,
this
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 demographic imbalance can create several social and economic challenges
..
Punctuation problem
.
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 In
this
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 essay, I will
analyze
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analyse
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 both points of view and express my opinion.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, young
people
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 have the ability and passion to boost the wheel of their
country
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's
development
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.
In other words
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, they have the time and
menatal
Correct your spelling
mental
 plus physical power to contribute
in
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to
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 the
development
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their
Change preposition
of their
show examples
 society.
In addition
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, their
ability
Correct word choice
problem-solving ability
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 of problem solving has an
exterme
Correct your spelling
extreme
 value in terms of innovations.
For example
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, every year,
univeristies
Correct your spelling
universities
 around the globe graudate large number of students in different majors, and these students
later, will
Correct word order
will later
show examples
 be involved in the workforce
which eventually
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
,
they
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where they
show examples
 will
create
Rephrase
eventually create
show examples
mircles
Correct your spelling
miracles
 and impressive
working
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achievements
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 in their
country
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.
Body paragraph 2
On
another
Correct determiner usage
the other
show examples
 hand, young
people
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 do not
posses
Correct your spelling
possess
 the wisdom and experience to lead in difficult circumstances. It is possible to say that seniors have developed
through out
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throughout
 the years the knowledge to tackle
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
 of issues in different majors.
For instance
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,
goverments
Correct your spelling
governments
 tend to hire a well experienced old
people
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 in sensitive
positions
Punctuation problem
positions,
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such
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 is ministry of
econimics
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Economics
 or
ministry
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the Ministry
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 of education
instead
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 of
junior
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a junior
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that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 has just started
his
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their
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 career.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, there is no black and white regarding
this
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 matter. On balance,
however
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, I tend to believe that young adults has major influence on the
development
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 and success of a nation.

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Task response
Answer the main question more directly. Say clearly in the first paragraph whether the good points are greater than the bad points. Your essay talks about both sides, but your final view is not fully clear about why one side is stronger.
Task response
Build the main point for each side more fully. For the good side, explain how more young workers can raise work, new ideas, and tax money. For the bad side, explain how a very large young group may cause too few jobs, low pay, or social problems.
Task response
Use more exact examples. The example about students leaving university is linked to the topic, but explain what they do and how this helps the country. The example about older people in high jobs is useful, but it does not show the wider bad effect of having many young adults.
Coherence and cohesion
Your four-paragraph plan is clear: start, good side, bad side, and end. Keep this plan, but make the last paragraph match the main answer more closely.
Coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas smoother. Some sentences are very long and have too many ideas. Write shorter sentences, then use simple links such as “For this reason”, “As a result”, and “However” only when they show a clear link.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same words, such as “young people”, “development”, and “country”. You can also use “young adults”, “the workforce”, “the nation”, and “growth” when the meaning stays clear.
Coherence and cohesion
Make each body paragraph follow one clear order: main point, why it is true, example, and result. This will help the reader follow your ideas without effort.
Task response
You discuss both the good and bad sides of a population with many young adults, and you give your own view at the end.
Task response
Your main ideas are relevant: young people can bring energy and new ideas, while older people can bring experience and knowledge.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear paragraph structure, with separate paragraphs for each side of the topic.
Coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as “On one hand”, “On another hand”, “For example”, and “To conclude” to guide the reader.
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