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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Governments should spend more money preventing common illnesses than treating people after they become sick. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is often argued that
governments
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 should spend more money preventing common
illnesses
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 than treating
people
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 after they become sick.
However
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, I personally agree with
this
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view
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 because
prevention
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 can reduce the
risk
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 of
health
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problems
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 and reduce pressure on
healthcare
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 services.
Body paragraph 1
The primary reason why I agree with
this
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view
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 is that preventing common
illnesses
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 can reduce the
risk
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 of
health
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problems
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.
This
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 is mainly because healthy habits
such
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 as regular exercise and a balanced diet can help
people
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 avoid obesity and lifestyle-related diseases.
In other words
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,
prevention
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 can stop some
health
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problems
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 before they become serious.
For example
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,
governments
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 can encourage
people
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 to walk or cycle regularly and eat more fruits and vegetables through public-
health
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 programmes.
As a result
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,
people
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 may become healthier and have a lower
risk
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 of common diseases.
Therefore
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,
governments
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 should give greater priority to preventing
illnesses
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.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, another important reason why I agree with
this
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view
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 is that
prevention
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 can reduce pressure on
healthcare
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 services.
This
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 is because fewer
people
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 may require frequent medical treatment when common
illnesses
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 are prevented or controlled at an early stage.
For instance
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, if a government successfully encourages citizens to maintain healthy lifestyles, hospitals may receive fewer patients suffering from obesity-related and other lifestyle diseases.
Consequently
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,
healthcare
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 resources can be used more effectively for
people
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 who need
necessary
Correct article usage
the necessary
show examples
 medical treatment.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I strongly agree with
this
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view
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly agree with the
view
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 that
governments
Use synonyms
 should spend more money preventing common
illnesses
Use synonyms
 than treating
people
Use synonyms
 after they become sick.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because
prevention
Use synonyms
 can reduce the
risk
Use synonyms
 of
health
Use synonyms
problems
Use synonyms
 and reduce pressure on
healthcare
Use synonyms
 services.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same. To make it stronger, explain more fully why money for prevention should be greater than money for care after illness. You could also say that sick people still need enough help and care.
task response
Your two main ideas are on topic: lower risk of illness and less work for hospitals. Add one more clear detail about public money, such as lower costs from fewer hospital stays, to make the answer more complete.
task response
Your examples fit your ideas, but they are quite general. Give one more real and clear example, such as free checks for blood pressure or help to stop smoking, and show how it can prevent later illness.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: start, two main parts, and end. Each main part has one idea, an explanation, and an example. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Some linking words are used many times, especially “This is because”, “For example”, “Therefore”, and “As a result”. Use a wider mix, or join ideas in one sentence, so the writing feels less repeated.
coherence and cohesion
The last sentence of each main part repeats the same point. Instead, use that space to add a new detail or connect the idea more directly to how governments should use money.
task response
You answer the full question and clearly show that you agree. Your reasons stay focused on prevention and public health.
task response
The examples of exercise, healthy food, walking, and cycling are relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
Your paragraphs are clear and well ordered. The reader can easily see your main ideas and supporting points.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion clearly state your main view and match each other.
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