IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that dangerous extreme sports, such as skydiving and rock climbing, should be banned. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
It is often argued that dangerous extreme
sports
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as skydiving and rock climbing, should be banned.
However
Linking Words
, I personally disagree with
this
Linking Words
view
Use synonyms
 because
people
Use synonyms
 should have the
freedom
Use synonyms
 to participate in
activities
Use synonyms
 of their choice
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the
risks
Use synonyms
 can be reduced through strict
safety
Use synonyms
 regulations.
Body paragraph 1
The primary reason why I disagree with
this
Linking Words
view
Use synonyms
 is that
people
Use synonyms
 should have the
freedom
Use synonyms
 to participate in
activities
Use synonyms
 of their choice.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because individuals have different interests and preferences, and participating in adventurous
activities
Use synonyms
 can provide them with excitement and a sense of achievement.
In other words
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 should be allowed to make their own decisions as long as they understand the potential
risks
Use synonyms
 involved.
For example
Linking Words
, many adventure enthusiasts participate in
activities
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as parasailing and rock climbing because they enjoy the adrenaline rush associated with these
sports
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, banning
such
Linking Words
activities
Use synonyms
 completely could unnecessarily restrict personal
freedom
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, extreme
sports
Use synonyms
 should not be completely banned.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
Linking Words
, another important reason why I disagree with
this
Linking Words
view
Use synonyms
 is that the
risks
Use synonyms
 associated with extreme
sports
Use synonyms
 can be reduced through strict
safety
Use synonyms
 regulations.
This
Linking Words
 is because governments and regulatory authorities can require participants to receive proper training and use protective gear,
such
Linking Words
 as helmets and
safety
Use synonyms
 harnesses.
For instance
Linking Words
, professional supervision and licensing requirements can be introduced for
activities
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as skydiving and parasailing.
Consequently
Linking Words
, the likelihood of serious injuries and fatal accidents can be significantly reduced.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
view
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly disagree with the
view
Use synonyms
 that dangerous extreme
sports
Use synonyms
 should be banned.
This
Linking Words
 is mainly because
people
Use synonyms
 should have the
freedom
Use synonyms
 to participate in
activities
Use synonyms
 of their choice
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 the
risks
Use synonyms
 can be reduced through strict
safety
Use synonyms
 regulations.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Your view is clear from the start and stays the same: these sports should not be banned. To make the answer stronger, explain more about why a full ban is not the best way to keep people safe. You could also say that adults can choose these sports after they know the danger.
task response
Your two main ideas are good, but some parts repeat the same point. Add one more clear detail to each idea. For example, say how training, rules, and trained staff can make an accident less likely.
task response
The examples fit the topic, but they are quite general. Use one more real and clear example, such as a rule that skydivers must jump with trained staff before they can jump alone.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: opening, two main parts, and ending. Keep this shape. In the second main part, do not repeat "Therefore, I strongly disagree" because your view is already clear. Use that space for more support.
coherence and cohesion
Linking words such as "However", "For example", and "Consequently" are used well. Try not to use the same sentence pattern too often, especially "This is mainly because" and "Therefore". Use simpler changes such as "Also", "This means", or "For this reason".
coherence and cohesion
The end repeats the opening almost word for word. It would be better to sum up the two reasons in a shorter way and finish with a final thought about safe rules rather than a ban.
task response
You answer the question fully and clearly state that you disagree with a ban.
task response
The ideas about personal choice and safety rules are both directly linked to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part has one clear main idea, an explanation, and an example.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is easy to follow, and the opening and ending are both present.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: