IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that mobile phone is harmful for children, while others disagree or agree. Discuss both view and give your opinion

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Introduction
Although
Linking Words
 the technology has been developing in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society ,sometimes it causes major
problem
Check wording
problems
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 among
kids
Use synonyms
 .Simuateously the people can not live without it .
Body paragraph 1
In the modern world ,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 occupy
the
Correct article usage
an
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 important place in the globe. Especially between the children. The small children
those
Correct determiner usage
apply
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who
hasn't
Correct subject-verb agreement
haven't
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 started
the
Correct article usage
apply
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schooling
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
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 the mobile all the
time
Use synonyms
 at home.
This
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 makes the parent to perform their tasks at home without interruption. Because the
kids
Use synonyms
 spent
time
Use synonyms
in
Change preposition
apply
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watching their rhymes and
musics
Check wording
music
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.
Linking Words
Additionally
Add a comma
Additionally,
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 it helps them to learn new things
such
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 as operating technology
in
Change preposition
at
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 a small ages.Additionaly the schoolchildren develop their knowledge form the social media and some constructive games, like drawing , math and quizzes
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 they can't
exposed
Verb problem
be exposed
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in
Change preposition
to in
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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school
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 or
homes
Change preposition
at home
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
In
Change preposition
On
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 the other
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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 these mobile
phones
Use synonyms
 are destroying their memory and taking away their
time
Use synonyms
 from participating
some
Change preposition
in some
show examples
 physical activity
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as playing outside of the home with other
kids
Use synonyms
or
Punctuation problem
, or
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 spending
time
Use synonyms
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors,
 exposing
to
Correct pronoun usage
themselves to
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sun
Correct article usage
the sun
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 and natural air.
Due to
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 over
usage
Punctuation problem
usage,
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 the
phones
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 are affecting
learners
Check wording
learners'
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 memory
and
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, and
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
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the radiation coming out
tof
Correct your spelling
of
 the mobiles
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
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 to
kill
Wrong verb form
killing
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 their brain activity
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 later it
become a
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
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 Alzheimer's or dematerialised disease .
Moreover
Linking Words
the
Punctuation problem
,
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 the rays on these
phones
Use synonyms
delivers
Correct subject-verb agreement
apply
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affect brain cells
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 it causes carcinoma of the brain as
reaseach
Correct your spelling
research
 says.
Conclusion
So in my
opinion
Punctuation problem
opinion,
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 there are several advantages of using mobiles in the
city
Punctuation problem
city,
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 it is still
destructing
Use the right word
destroying
show examples
 the
Use synonyms
kids
Check wording
kids'
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 activity and making them lazy , keeping them fully engaged
indoor
Replace the word
indoors
.
Linking Words
Hence
Punctuation problem
Hence,
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 I agree that
phones
Use synonyms
 are harmful for
kids
Use synonyms
 and
limited
Verb problem
are limited
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 useful and following discipline
of utilizing
Change preposition
in utilising
show examples
 them will
be not
Correct word order
not be
show examples
 so harmful.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. This is good. However, make your main view clear in the first part and keep it the same to the end.
task response
Give more full support for each main idea. For example, explain how phone games can help a child learn, and why this help may not happen with too much phone time.
task response
Use real and clear examples. You could write about a child using a phone for a short time to learn maths, but then not playing outside because of long phone use.
task response
Be careful with big health claims. The ideas about brain disease and cancer need strong proof. It is safer to focus on clear problems such as less sleep, less exercise, and less time with family and friends.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. Make each body part begin with one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words more carefully: 'On the one hand' for benefits, 'On the other hand' for harm, and 'In conclusion' for your final view.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because they are very long. Write shorter sentences with one main idea in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as 'mobile phones', 'kids', and 'activity' too often. You can also use 'phones', 'children', 'exercise', or 'outdoor play'.
task response
You cover useful benefits, such as learning songs, using learning games, and helping parents at home.
task response
You also cover clear problems, such as less outdoor play, less time with other children, and children becoming less active.
coherence and cohesion
The order of your ideas is easy to see: benefits first, then problems, then your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Your final part gives a clear view that phone use should be limited and guided by rules.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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