IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, many people drive to work or school instead of walking, cycling or using public transport. Does this trend have more advantages or more disadvantages?

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Introduction
An increasing number of
people
Use synonyms
 are commuting by
car
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 rather than using more environmentally friendly modes of
transportation
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.
Although
Linking Words
 driving offers convenience and speed, I believe its environmental damage and the health problems of over-reliance on
this
Linking Words
 approach outweigh its disadvantages.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, driving a
car
Use synonyms
 to
work
Use synonyms
 or school is a comfortable way of
transportation
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.
This
Linking Words
 method requires a person to go sit in the
car
Use synonyms
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 is normally parked in front of the house. So, it is
the
Correct article usage
a
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 highly convenient method of
transportation
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. Another reason behind
people
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 using
car
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 is a faster option than buses and trains, as
people
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 do not need to walk to the station and may be affected by delays.
For instance
Linking Words
,
In
Fix capitalization
in
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 Toronto
during
Punctuation problem
, during
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 snowstorms
roads
Punctuation problem
, roads
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 suffer
due to
Linking Words
 wind and snow causes delays in buses and trains
can
Correct pronoun usage
, which can
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 result in
people
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 who use public
transportation
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reach
Wrong verb form
arriving
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 late to
work
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,
while
Linking Words
 it is less
possible
Correct word choice
likely
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 for
car
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 drivers
can get
Verb problem
to be
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 affected.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, driving
personal
Correct article usage
a personal
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 vehicle to
work
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 contributes towards environmental deterioration because most
car
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 burns petrol,
while
Linking Words
 walking and cycling produce no emissions. At the same time, public
transportation
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 will throw emission for carrying many passengers in one vehicle.
Furthermore
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, heavily relying on
car
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 driving and less exercise in a day, especially for those office workers
sit
Correct pronoun usage
who sit
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 all day long and have fewer physical activities lead to health problems
such
Linking Words
 as diabetes, obesity and heart disease.
For example
Linking Words
, many officegoers who drive
Use synonyms
car
Correct article usage
a car
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 to commute suffer from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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problems like obesity and back pain.
Therefore
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, I believe
drawbacks
Correct article usage
the drawbacks
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 of
this
Linking Words
 approach outweigh its benefits so far.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I think considering the environmental effects on the planet and health issues by using
individual
Correct article usage
an individual
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 vehicle to
work
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 has more drawbacks
considering
Correct word choice
than
show examples
 the convenience and comfort.

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Task response
Answer the main question more clearly in the first paragraph. Say that the disadvantages are greater than the advantages, then keep this view through the whole essay.
Task response
Develop each main idea with a clear reason and result. For example, explain how more cars cause more dirty air, and how less walking can cause poor health.
Task response
Use examples that are clear and fully explained. The Toronto example is useful, but it is hard to follow because the sentence is too long and has many ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
Your four-paragraph plan is clear: introduction, advantages, disadvantages, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make each paragraph start with one simple main idea.
Coherence and cohesion
Make some sentences shorter. For example, do not put snow, wind, road problems, buses, trains, late workers, and car drivers in one sentence.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Words such as 'however', 'because', 'as a result', and 'therefore' can show the link between ideas.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating 'car' and 'transportation' too often. You can use 'driving', 'private vehicles', or 'this way of travel'.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion simpler. Repeat your main view and the two key reasons: harm to the environment and harm to health.
Task response
You answer both sides of the question and give a clear final view that the bad points are stronger.
Task response
You choose relevant main ideas: comfort and speed as good points, and pollution and health as bad points.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear beginning, two body paragraphs, and an ending.
Coherence and cohesion
You use helpful paragraph links such as 'On the one hand', 'On the other hand', 'Furthermore', and 'In conclusion'.
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