IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays it's possible for people to buy many products or pay for treatments that help them to look younger. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
In recent times,
anti-aging
Change the spelling
anti-ageing
show examples
 creams and
treatments
Use synonyms
are
Wrong verb form
have been
show examples
 available on the market to help
people
Use synonyms
 to look young. I disagree with the statement, because most of the beauty products
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
show examples
 with some side effects and those
treatments
Use synonyms
 are very expensive.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, manufacturing companies of beauty products are
advertsing
Correct your spelling
advertising
 their creams everywhere, so more
people
Use synonyms
 are getting attracted
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 them. Eventhrough anti-aging creams
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 some skin
issues
Punctuation problem
issues,
show examples
 still customers are using products without proper
knowledege
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 about them.
Best
Correct article usage
The best
show examples
 way to use
is
Correct pronoun usage
it is
show examples
going
Wrong verb form
to go
show examples
 through the
doctors
Check wording
doctor's
show examples
 review.
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
,
anti-aging
Change the spelling
anti-ageing
show examples
treatments
Use synonyms
 are not cheap
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 most of the common
people
Use synonyms
 can not afford
it
Fix the agreement mistake
them
show examples
 every time because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 these
treatments
Use synonyms
 are not
perminent
Correct your spelling
permanent
.
althrought
Correct your spelling
Although
 so age group
people
Use synonyms
 are going for it by using credit cards and endup in finacially unstable.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
, one of my childhood
friend
Fix the agreement mistake
friends
show examples
 had hairfall issues at
early
Correct article usage
an early
show examples
 age. So he
strated
Correct your spelling
started
 searching for the
treatments
Use synonyms
 and found one in
different
Correct article usage
a different
show examples
 state,
it is
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
also
Linking Words
 cost him almost $10000. After 1.5 years
later
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 the same problem started again lossing hair, and in
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 3
months
Add a comma
months,
show examples
 he lost all the hair on his
hand
Check wording
head
show examples
. So in
this
Linking Words
 case all
treatments
Use synonyms
 does not suits everyone
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 before taking
once's
Use the right word
one
show examples
check
Punctuation problem
, check
show examples
 with the doctors or research team for better results.
Conclusion
In
consulsion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
,
all
Rephrase
not all
show examples
 the beatuy produts can
not
Rephrase
apply
show examples
suit everybody
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 before
using
Punctuation problem
using,
show examples
 go with the specific doctor and
treatments
Use synonyms
 are very expensive
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 before
using
Punctuation problem
using,
show examples
 do as much research as possible
Linking Words
otherwise
Punctuation problem
, otherwise
show examples
,
people
Use synonyms
 will end up like my friend who lost $10000 and all the hair.

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task response
You give a clear bad view. You say that these products may harm skin and cost too much. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why looking younger is bad for people or for society, not only why some creams and treatments may be unsafe.
task response
Your friend’s hair-loss story is useful because it is a clear example. However, it needs to match the topic more closely. Explain that the treatment was meant to make him look younger, and show how it supports your main view.
task response
Be careful with very broad claims such as “all treatments” or “all beauty products.” A better idea is to say that some products and treatments may not work well for every person.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, two main parts, and conclusion. Make each main paragraph start with one clear main idea, then add explanation and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer linking words. For example: “Firstly,” “In addition,” “For example,” “However,” and “In conclusion.” Do not use “On the other hand” when the next paragraph gives another reason for the same bad view.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because they join many ideas together. Write shorter sentences. For example: “Some creams can cause skin problems. However, many people use them without advice from a doctor.”
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion shorter and more direct. Repeat your main view, then sum up the two reasons: possible health problems and high cost. Do not add new details at the end.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep one clear view throughout the essay.
task response
You include a personal example, which makes your ideas more real and easier to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the overall plan.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking phrases such as “Firstly,” “Furthermore,” and “In conclusion.”
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • look younger
  • young
  • look
  • product
  • cream
  • pill
  • treatment
  • surgery
  • buy
  • cost
  • price
  • safe
  • danger
  • risk
  • health
  • doctor
  • rules
  • laws
  • advertising
  • pressure
  • body image
  • self-esteem
  • confidence
  • inequality
  • rich
  • poor
  • choice
  • decision
  • natural aging
  • accept aging
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