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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Nowadays, many young people are highly influenced by celebrities and choose them as their role models. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this development?

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Introduction
One of the most debated issues in recent years is that young
people
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 tend to follow popular
celebrities
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 as their role models without critical thinking. Some
people
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 argue that
this
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 trend affects the young generation's perspectives and
values
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. I partially agree with the view because a growing number of teenagers are likely to purchase products endorsed by
celebrities
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 and spend excessive time watching their videos and shows.
Body paragraph 1
Indeed, some critics argue that young
people
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 can be influenced not only by
celebrities
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 but
also
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 by friendships, families and communities.
This
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 is mainly because they have a natural sense of curiosity and a strong desire to explore new things compared with older
people
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.
As a result
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, younger individuals can be affected by a wide range of
people
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 around them. In Korea,
for example
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, a large number of teenagers choose their parents as the most inspiring person in their lives. Beyond that, exposure to diverse information can spark younger generations' interest in a wide range of topics.
Consequently
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, they may be less likely to focus exclusively on
celebrities
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 or be heavily influenced by them.
Body paragraph 2
Although
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 I acknowledge the aforementioned argument, I hold that teenagers have been influenced by
celebrities
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 for decades. One of the main reasons is that attractive
celebrities
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 can evoke intense feelings as if they fall in love with someone.
Such
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 a situation can lead them to have a strong desire to be like them and follow their interests and
values
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 without criticism.
For example
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, a large number of students in high schools tend to mimic
celebrities
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' outfits and even thoughts, which can result in hight possible to lost their
opportunties
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opportunities
 to find out their own
values
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 and identities.
Furthermore
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, during formantive stage, young
people
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 have still developed their thoughts and perspectives.
In other words
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, they can be more vulnerable to manipulation and the influence of
celebrities
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 when they become obsessed with certain public figures.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I understand that young
people
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 can be independent and build their own
values
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 considering diverse topics and a wide range of
people
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 that they may be interested in, but I am of the opinion that they can be easily influenced by well-known individuals, as they are extremely obsessed with them, which can lead to the loss of their
judgement
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judgment
 and chances to explore their identities.

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task response
Make your main view more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly that you agree to some extent, but that famous people have a strong effect on many young people.
task response
Keep each body paragraph tied to the question. The first body paragraph says young people have many role models, but explain more clearly why this means celebrities do not always shape their values.
task response
Develop the main harm with a clear chain: young people copy stars, this may stop them from making their own choices, and this can slow the growth of their own values.
task response
Use the Korea example with more detail. Explain why parents are role models there and how this changes young people's choices.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body paragraphs, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first body paragraph more clearly support your partly agree view.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple links to show contrast and result, such as "However", "For this reason", and "As a result". Do not use too many long links in one sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and hard to follow. Split them into two or three short sentences, especially in the last body paragraph and the ending.
coherence and cohesion
Check key word forms and spelling because they can make your meaning less clear. For example, write "formative stage", "high possibility of losing", and "opportunities".
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view throughout the essay.
task response
Your main example about students copying famous people's clothes and ideas is relevant and helps show your point.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is well organized, with a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use contrast words such as "Although" and "In conclusion" well to guide the reader.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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