IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries, people who are unemployed receive a sum of money each week in the form of a benefit, while some support this, other people believe that this money should not be given. Discuss both points of view and give your own point of view

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is controversy between
people
Use synonyms
 if an unemployed
people
Use synonyms
 have the right to
recieve
Correct your spelling
receive
 a sum from the government or
doesn't
Rephrase
not
show examples
.In my opinion, I
suport
Correct your spelling
support
 giving
salary
Correct article usage
a salary
show examples
 for who
in
Verb problem
are in
show examples
 need.For many reasons ,but under classified laws .In
this
Linking Words
eassay
Correct your spelling
essay
, I
be will
Correct word order
will be
show examples
 discussing both
point views
Check wording
points of view
show examples
Linking Words
however
Punctuation problem
, however
show examples
 its supporting or rejecting government
sums
Use synonyms
 .
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
 , why
Use synonyms
people
Verb problem
do people
show examples
 oppose supporting
unemploymened
Correct your spelling
unemployed
people
Use synonyms
 with monthly
sums
Use synonyms
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
 The main reasons why
people
Use synonyms
 refuse governmental
sums
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 for unemployed individuals
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
because
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
lose
Replace the word
loss
 of the motavation in
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
unemployed
people
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
keep them sticked governments donations .
For instance
Linking Words
 , they reject
employing
Replace the word
employment
 offers and stay without giving any benefits
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their communities and rather than of
helping
Punctuation problem
helping,
show examples
 they choose
consuming
Wrong verb form
to consume
show examples
 the government
econemy
Correct your spelling
economy
.As
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
, many
people
Use synonyms
 refused and opposed giving saleries for who
doesn't
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
show examples
 work and asked rather
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
show examples
 giving free money for who
doesn't
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
show examples
 work , to
envest
Correct your spelling
invest
 more in education by adding new schools or at least
improve
Wrong verb form
improving
show examples
 medical
equipments
Check wording
equipment
show examples
.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
 , as
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 opinion of
people
Use synonyms
 who
supports
Correct subject-verb agreement
support
show examples
 keeping the
sums
Use synonyms
 under
main
Correct article usage
the main
show examples
 laws and rules , because of what it carries from advantages .The
sums
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helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 to re-stand back after failing . Helping them recover and face
his
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
 financial proplems by the right way .
Also
Linking Words
 , by having the
goverment salery
Correct your spelling
government salary
, it makes
who
Correct pronoun usage
those
show examples
 in need of money
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
at least
afford
Correct word choice
able to afford
show examples
 his base needs as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
food ,
medicane
Correct your spelling
medicine
,shelter and more .
Moreover
Linking Words
 ,
Its
Fix capitalization
it
show examples
 saves families from going broke and solve many of the financial
proplems
Correct your spelling
problems
 that
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
show examples
 the families to recover .
Conclusion
In conclusion, my opinion is that I am firmly accept to give who in and unemployed
people
Use synonyms
 a
salery
Correct your spelling
salary
 to keep him stand until
he finds his
Fix the agreement mistake
they find their
show examples
 way back ,but as I said
under
Punctuation problem
, under
show examples
 very strict rules that
he
Fix the agreement mistake
they
show examples
 need to follow .
However
Linking Words
 , some things need to be fixed , but
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
overall
Linking Words
 , the full idea of
sums
Use synonyms
 is more
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
show examples
 correct.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. This is good. Make your view even clearer in the first part: say that help should be given for a short time and only to people who are looking for work.
task response
Explain each main point more fully. For example, say how support can help a person pay for food and rent while they go to job talks or learn new work skills.
task response
Your example about people saying no to job offers is useful, but it is very general. Add one clear real-life type of case to show how strict rules can stop this.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Keep this four-part plan, but make the first part shorter and clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words at the start of ideas, such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “For example”, and “As a result”.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences have too many ideas. Use shorter sentences. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the two sides match. In the first main part, give two reasons against payments. In the next part, give two reasons for payments. Then end by saying why your view is stronger.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show why some people do not want payments, why others support them, and what you think.
task response
Your main view is clear: you support help for people without work, but you want strong rules.
coherence and cohesion
The words “Firstly”, “Secondly”, and “In conclusion” help the reader see the main parts of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
The ideas in the second main part stay on the same point: help can pay for basic needs and stop families from going broke.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Unemployment benefits
  • Safety net
  • Financial insecurity
  • Poverty
  • Economic stability
  • Disincentive
  • Financial burden
  • Job training programs
  • Employability
  • Root causes of unemployment
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