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Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Encouraging a competitive spirit among young
students
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 has become a controversial topic in contemporary society.
While
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 it is argued that competition is necessary among young children, the opposing view is that cooperation can benefit them more in the long run. In my view, the latter claim is more valid than the former one.
This
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 essay will discuss both views and give the explanation of why I believe so.
Body paragraph 1
There are several upsides of nudging young
students
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 to be competitive. First and foremost, it is maintained that competition is a source of motivation for them.
In other words
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, it can act as a catalyst for them to strive for excellence in their academic journey.
For instance
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, some
students
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 come out on top of the class
due to
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 their competitive spirit.
Moreover
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, those well-rounded
students
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 can inspire their peers to work hard. By seeing the progress of top
students
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, other
students
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 aspire to fulfil their potential.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, there is the opposing view that children benefit more from learning how to work collaboratively, which I agree with.
Firstly
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, it can help develop team spirit in youngsters, which is one of the essential life skills in the modern workplace. To illustrate, there is project-based learning in some schools, where
students
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 have to work in a team. It is imperative to delegate responsibilities and lend a hand to each other to accomplish it successfully, which partly contributes to their
overall
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 grades. As they can see how a supportive environment can benefit them in hand, there is a strong likelihood that they adopt that mannerism.
Body paragraph 3
Moreover
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, competition can sometimes do more harm than good. It can pressurise young kids to win at all costs. As long as the results are good, they tend to ignore moral values and beliefs.Cheating in exams is a case. Bitter rivalry forces them to do the wrong things that can breach their academic integrity. Sports competitions in schools are
also
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 a point
,
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apply
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 where young athletes do not play fair and square in order to gain a competitive edge. In these cases, even though a desirable outcome can be achieved, it is impossible for them to hold their heads up, and
this
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 can lead to joyless accomplishment.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, it is claimed by some that competitive children make
students
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 better academically,
whereas
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 I tend to agree with the opposite idea that working cooperatively can bring more positive impacts on
students
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 and their future lives. I believe schools can shape the future of young
students
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 if cooperation is prioritised.

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Task response
You discuss both sides and give a clear view. To make your answer stronger, explain more clearly why working with others is more useful than competition in adult life. You could compare the two ideas in one short part.
Task response
Your main points are clear: competition can push children to work hard, while working with others builds team skills. Some examples are a little general. Add one more clear real-life example, such as a group task where each child has a role and the group gets a better result.
Task response
Be careful not to make competition seem only bad. Say that it can be good when it is fair and well managed, but working with others should have more space at school. This makes your view more balanced.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: an opening, one part for each view, a further reason for your view, and an ending. This helps the reader follow your ideas easily.
Coherence and cohesion
Use a space after every full stop. For example, write “former one. This essay” and “beliefs. Cheating”. This small change makes the writing easier to read.
Coherence and cohesion
Some links between ideas could be smoother. For example, before the paragraph about harm, add a line such as: “Also, too much competition may have bad results.” This shows why you move to that point.
Coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “it” when the reader may not know what it means. In “accomplish it successfully”, use “complete the group task successfully” instead.
Coherence and cohesion
A few phrases do not fit the meaning well. Change “benefit them in hand” to “benefit them first-hand”, or more simply, “show them the benefits.” Change “are also a point” to “are another example.”
Task response
You answer every part of the question and state your own view clearly in the opening and ending.
Task response
The points about motivation, team work, cheating, and fair play are all on topic and support your main view.
Coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear focus, and words such as “First and foremost”, “On the other hand”, and “Moreover” help guide the reader.
Coherence and cohesion
The ending brings your main ideas together and repeats your view in a clear way.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • compete
  • cooperate
  • useful
  • adults
  • skills
  • motivation
  • drive
  • resilience
  • failure
  • workplace
  • empathy
  • social skills
  • reduce
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balanced
  • approach
  • ideal
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