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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels of health and fitness are decreasing. What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?

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Introduction
It is stated that there is a rise in the
amount
Check wording
number
show examples
 of
the overweighted
Replace the word
overweight
people
Use synonyms
 and a decline in their health and fitness levels. Apparently, there are several factors causing
this
Linking Words
, and attempts should be
done
Verb problem
made
show examples
 to tackle
this
Linking Words
 problem.
Body paragraph 1
Popularity of the term
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
“overweight” has
raised
Verb problem
risen
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 over the
last
Linking Words
 two decades. Influences of the technological development showed up in the food industry as well, where many factories began to produce processed food with high
chemicals
Check wording
chemical additives
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such
Linking Words
 as cholesterol in order to minimise expenditures, and provide
people
Use synonyms
 with cheaper,
ready-meals
Correct your spelling
ready meals
.
This
Linking Words
 sounded reasonable to
low income
Correct your spelling
low-income
 families,
thus
Linking Words
 they started to buy cheaper artificial ingredients by spending less money.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 with hectic schedules suffered as well,
due to
Linking Words
 their limited time for cooking
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 and exercising.
Consequently
Linking Words
, as
people
Use synonyms
 got more
overweighted
Replace the word
overweight
,
loosing
Use the right word
losing
show examples
 weight seemed more unreachable, thereby coming at the expense of demotivation
to begin
Linking Words
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a healthier eating and gym routine.
Body paragraph 2
My recommendations for those
segment
Fix the agreement mistake
segments
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 will include buying fresh and natural items,
also
Linking Words
 altering their shopping venues from hypermarkets to grocery stores. It is
also
Linking Words
 the case that the number of fast food restaurants
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 surging
due to
Linking Words
 high
demands
Check wording
demand
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, causing even more laziness to cook at home.
However
Linking Words
, obese
people
Use synonyms
 should be able to create a balance
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their nutrient ration, include calorie deficits
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their diets and avoid eating high-fat dishes. A
further
Linking Words
 step should be taken by factories, by reducing the percentage of fat in edible
conserved
Correct word choice
preserved
show examples
 products.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 obesity
became
Wrong verb form
has become
show examples
 a serious issue influencing physical health conditions, if manufacturers take the right responsibility, it will be possible to see healthier and
fit
Correct word choice
fitter
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 in the foreseeable future.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more full way. Explain the main causes clearly: cheap food, little time, and less exercise. Then give steps for people, schools, shops, and the government.
task response
Make each main idea more clear. For example, say how cheap ready food can lead to weight gain, and how long work hours can stop people from cooking and playing sport.
task response
Use one short real-life example. For example, a busy worker may buy fast food after work because it is quick and cheap.
task response
Some advice is too general. Explain how food makers can make food with less fat, and how rules or clear food labels could help people choose better food.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, causes, solutions, conclusion. Your essay mostly does this, but the causes and solutions need clearer topic sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body paragraph, discuss causes only. In the next body paragraph, discuss solutions only.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear linking words to show the order of ideas, such as “First”, “Also”, “As a result”, and “For this reason”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link from weight gain to loss of motivation clearer. Say that some people may feel unable to lose weight, so they stop trying to eat well or exercise.
task response
You address both causes and solutions, and your ideas are linked to the topic.
task response
You give useful causes, such as cheap processed food, busy lives, and the rise of fast-food places.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words well, such as “Moreover”, “Consequently”, and “However”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • obesity
  • overweight
  • physical activity
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • exercise
  • unhealthy diet
  • fast food
  • urbanization
  • modernization
  • stress
  • awareness
  • education
  • government intervention
  • policies
  • promotion
  • sports
  • fitness programs
  • health education
  • taxation
  • public transportation
  • infrastructure
  • parks
  • recreational spaces
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