IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Sorne people argue that primary schools focus tao much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom?

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Introduction
Many people say that primary schools often focus the most on formal education. Personally, I completely disagree with
this
Linking Words
 opinion because today
many
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, many
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 schools have adopted new learning systems different from the past.
In addition
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, I think that it is crucial for children to play
as well as
Linking Words
 to learn in the classroom.
Body paragraph 1
In the past, schools were very unsimilar to how they are today. Teachers were more severe
and
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, and
show examples
 often students used to fear them. Nowadays,
this
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 has changed
,
Add a semicolon
;
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 primary
centers
Change the spelling
centres
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 now have new systems in which children are more involved and are more enjoyable for them. Teachers show how to act in different situations of life, teach survival skills or even talk about life with the pupils.
For example
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, my little cousin
who
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, who
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 is a primary
student
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student,
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 told me that in his class they learn by playing
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is very different to old learning systems.
Body paragraph 2
In my opinion, playing in the classroom is very important for young students, obviously not all
the
Correct article usage
apply
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day, but having little entertainment moments
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 crucial. In fact, the brain of a child is very different from
an
Correct pronoun usage
that of an
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adult's
Check wording
adult
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. Children always want to play
but
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, but
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 they
Linking Words
also are
Correct word order
are also
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 very curious and ready to learn new things. If these two characteristics are put together, the process of learning
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a pupil would be much easier for both the child and the teacher.
For instance
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, a study made by the University of Education of Madrid states that 85% of kids who learn
playing
Change preposition
by playing
show examples
,
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apply
show examples
 are
after
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apply
show examples
more efficient.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, I disagree with the idea of educational
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 focusing too much on formal education
,
Add a semicolon
;
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furthermore
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, I firmly believe that playing in class is one of the best options for teaching pupils.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task: you say you do not agree, and you explain why play is important. To make your view stronger, say that some schools may still focus too much on formal work, even if this is not true in every school.
task response
Give a clearer reason for your main view. For example, explain how new school methods help children learn, not only that they are new or more fun.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but the study example is not clear enough. Do not use a study with a number unless you can explain it well. A clear class example may be better.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first main paragraph more direct: start with your main reason, then give the example.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. In the first main paragraph, “Nowadays, this has changed, primary centers now...” joins two full ideas with only a comma. Make two short sentences instead.
coherence and cohesion
Some words make the meaning less clear. For example, use “different from” instead of “unsimilar to”, and say “children can enjoy them more” instead of “are more enjoyable for them.”
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Shorter sentences will make your points easier to follow, especially in the second main paragraph.
task response
You give a clear personal view in the first paragraph and keep the same view until the end.
task response
You explain that play can help children learn because they are curious and like games. This is a useful and relevant idea.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each main paragraph has one main focus.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion clearly repeats your main view and answers the question about play in the classroom.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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