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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Sorne people argue that primary schools focus tao much on formal learning. To what extent do you agree with this opinion? How important do you think it is for children to play as well as learn in the primary school classroom?

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
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 many people argue that schools only focus on formal ways to learn,
Linking Words
also
Correct word choice
and
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 many
persons
Check wording
people
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 are discussing the importance
for
Change preposition
of
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 children to play
as well as
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learning
Wrong verb form
learn
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 in primary
school
Use synonyms
. I definitely agree with the idea that most primary schools are only concentrates into conventional and specific ways of learning
Body paragraph 1
Many teachers place importance
into
Change preposition
on
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 formal learning, too much methodology, with
stricts
Correct determiner usage
a strict
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 system,
stricts
Replace the word
strict
 exams, with rankings with all the other children and not enough practice
,
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. For
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for
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example
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example,
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 a large part of children have disabilities or difficulties
to adapt themself
Wrong verb form
adapting themselves
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 to primary
school
Use synonyms
 for the first time.
For example
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, in France, the education minister placed additional courses
in
Change preposition
on
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 the
week-end
Correct your spelling
weekend
 to offer educational games, to help them
for
Change preposition
with
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 reading, counting, listening
etc
Punctuation problem
, etc
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...
Body paragraph 2
It is clear that
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 it is essential to play
as well as
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 learn in the primary
school
Use synonyms
 classroom, because there is no special age.
In addition
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, a part of
students
Correct article usage
the students
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needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
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 specific attention, and a special way to study.
For instance
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, in the United
States
Add a comma
States,
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 the government has established a survey in 2024, asking the citizens about primary high
school
Use synonyms
. The final results gave rise to creating some rules to offer the opportunity to some persons with specific needs,
also
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 adapting their way of teaching with some games,
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Correct word choice
and finally
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finally
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finally,
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 specific programs, adapted to every
childrens
Fix the agreement mistake
child
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.
Conclusion
To conclude
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, I definitely believe that today, schools are prioritising a simple and only way to study
which
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, which
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 is very precise, strict and complex.
Furthermore
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, some people need specific games to understand easily. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
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 it is essential to take into account the
need
Check wording
needs
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 of every
kids
Fix the agreement mistake
kid
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 studying.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Say how far you agree, then explain why play is important with two or three clear points, such as social skills, health, and better learning.
task response
Make your main view more exact. You say that “most” schools focus only on formal learning, but this is a very wide claim. Use softer words, such as “some schools” or “many schools,” unless you can support the claim.
task response
Develop each idea. For example, explain how games can help children read, count, listen, work with others, and feel less afraid of school.
task response
Use examples that clearly support your point. The France and United States examples are not explained enough, and they sound like facts without proof. A simple classroom example may be stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an end. To make it easier to follow, give each body paragraph one main idea only.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear linking words to show the next step in your argument: “First,” “Also,” “For example,” “As a result,” and “In conclusion.” Do not put too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between sentences clearer. For example, after saying that some children find school hard, explain directly why play can help those children.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating “for example” at the start of many sentences. Use it only when the example is clear and useful.
task response
You give a clear personal view and you answer both the question about formal learning and the question about play.
task response
You include useful ideas about children who need extra help and different ways to learn.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the overall shape is easy to see.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “In addition,” “For instance,” and “To conclude,” to guide the reader.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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