IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Shopping is the favourite pastime of most of the young people. Why is this the case? Do you think they should be encouraged to do some other useful activities in their free time?

6.0 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
For most young
people
Use synonyms
, browsing shops
whether
Punctuation problem
, whether
show examples
 online or in
person
Punctuation problem
person,
show examples
 has become their favourite way to spend free
time
Use synonyms
. Teenagers usually chase trends
or
Punctuation problem
, or
show examples
 they do not have much responsibility
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 their
time
Use synonyms
 gets wasted. In my view, they should be encouraged to spend some of that
time
Use synonyms
 on more productive activities.
Body paragraph 1
Teenagers
sometimes are
Correct word order
are sometimes
show examples
 influenced by their friends,
for example
Linking Words
,
often a friend
Correct word order
a friend often
show examples
 comments negatively on their clothes
so
Punctuation problem
, so
show examples
 they get upset and look for new trendy clothes to fit in.
This
Linking Words
 can cost them
time
Use synonyms
 and money since trends change constantly.
This
Linking Words
 becomes a cycle in which they are always buying something new to keep up. Social media plays a major role, as advertisements and influencers constantly show young
people
Use synonyms
 products they are told they need.
As a result
Linking Words
, many feel dissatisfied with what they already own and keep buying to close that gap.
Body paragraph 2
Families
in particular
Linking Words
 are well placed to guide teenagers towards activities with lasting value.
For example
Linking Words
, going to the gym or applying for a job that strengthens their professional profile.
This
Linking Words
 can brighten their future because those who gain experience early tend to find better-paid work later,
while
Linking Words
 those who do not may struggle. The same applies to health, which many
people
Use synonyms
 only start caring about when it is too late.
Conclusion
In conclusion, young
people
Use synonyms
 shop largely because of peer pressure and constant advertising. I believe families should encourage them towards activities
such
Linking Words
 as work or exercise, which offer lasting benefits rather than temporary satisfaction.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
You answer both parts of the question. To make your ideas more full, explain why shopping is a favourite activity in a wider way. You could also say that it is easy, fun, and a way to spend time with friends.
task response
Your view is clear: young people should do other useful things. Add one short point about balance. For example, shopping can be fine sometimes, but it should not take up most free time.
task response
The job and gym examples fit your main idea. Make each one more real with a small example, such as a young person learning a skill at a part-time job or joining a sports group with friends.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and a clear ending. The order of ideas is easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer link at the start of the first main paragraph. For example: “There are two main reasons why this happens.” This will help the reader see your plan.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences can link more smoothly. Instead of “Teenagers sometimes are influenced by their friends,” write “First, teenagers are often influenced by their friends.”
coherence and cohesion
The second main paragraph moves from jobs to health quite fast. Add a link such as “Also, exercise can help their health.” Then give the health point its own sentence.
task response
You give clear reasons for shopping: pressure from friends, social media, and ads. These ideas are directly linked to the question.
task response
Your main view stays the same from the start to the end, and your ideas about work and exercise are useful and relevant.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one main purpose, so the reader can understand your argument without difficulty.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful links such as “For example,” “As a result,” and “In conclusion.” These help show the relation between ideas.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: