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Band 4.5

In some countries children have very strict rules of behaviour, in other coutries they are allowed to do almost anything they like. To what extent should children have to follow rules?

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Introduction
In some
countries
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countries,
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children
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allowed
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are allowed
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 to do anything they like, in other
world regions
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regions of the world,
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 they have very strict
rules
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. I strongly believe that they should follow the
rules
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 because they are in a developing
stage
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stage,
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 they need to know what is
righ
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right
 and what is wrong,
also
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 it can lead them to a better
future
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, adolescent should follow the
rules
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 set by their parents or significant
other
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others
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 because they are in a developing age.
In other words
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, their brains are not fully developed
and
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, and
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 if we let them do whatever they
want
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want,
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 they may hurt themselves.
For example
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, if parents leave their
children
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 at the garden without
a
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apply
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supervision
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supervision,
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 they may get hurt by other people
becuase
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because
 they did something wrong
like
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, like
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 hurting another child or playing in the wrong place.
As a result
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, if
children
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 follow the
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rules
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rules,
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 they will know something's are not right to do,
therefore
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this
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 will let their brains develop in
Body paragraph 2
the right way.
Body paragraph 3
In addition
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, following
a
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apply
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strict
rules
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 set by their parents can lead them to a better
future
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. It is
also
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 possible to say that they can learn from
their
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the
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 mistakes that they
did
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made
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 when they were young.
For instance
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, setting the importance of spending money only on the
necessities
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necessary
 things like groceries
instead
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 of
misspending
Use the right word
misusing
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 it on
secondary
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secondary,
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not useful
Replace the word
non-useful
 things
such
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 as toys or candies can make them
knowledgable
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knowledgeable
 in calculations and counting.
Consequently
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,
this
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 would lead to
less
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fewer
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 debts in the
future
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 for them and
improvement
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an improvement
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 in managing financial resources.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly believe that
children
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 should follow the
rules
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 set because they are in a developing age and their brains are still growing,
also
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this
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 can lead to
better
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a better
show examples
future
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 for them in regards to debts and money management because they learned from their past.

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task response
State your view more fully. Say that children need rules, but the rules should be fair, clear, and right for their age. This gives a more complete answer to “to what extent.”
task response
Develop each main idea with a clearer link to the question. For example, explain how rules keep children safe and teach them how to live with other people.
task response
Use examples that are more direct and easy to believe. The garden example is not fully clear: explain what rule the child broke and how the rule would stop harm.
task response
The money example is useful, but it needs a simpler link to behaviour rules. You could write about chores, school work, screen time, or being kind to others.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the first sentence of each body part state one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as “for example” and “as a result” are helpful, but make sure the next sentence truly shows an example or result.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid very long sentences with many ideas. Split them into two or three short sentences so the reader can follow your meaning more easily.
coherence and cohesion
Make key words the same through the essay. Use “children” rather than changing often to “adolescent,” and use “rules” rather than “a strict rules.”
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep the same view in the whole essay.
task response
You give two useful reasons: children are still growing, and rules can help them in later life.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as “To begin with,” “In addition,” and “In conclusion.”
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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