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Band 5

In some countries, children are becoming overweight and unhealthy. Some people believe that governments have the responsibility to solve this problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
At present, in many
countries
Punctuation problem
countries,
show examples
children
Use synonyms
's obesity rates are increasing, leading to a growing concern about their
health
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. Some people believe that
governments
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 should have the responsibility to tackle
this
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 issue.
While
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 I partially agree with
this
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 statement, I
also
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 think that
parents
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 and educators should be mainly responsible for
children
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's care and
health
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 education.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, many
children
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 become overweight because they follow a sedentary lifestyle, and they have poor eating
habits
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.
While
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 it is true that
governments
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 could run awareness campaigns about the
health
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-related risks of an unhealthy lifestyle and eating
habits
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,
this
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 is probably not
sufficent
Correct your spelling
sufficient
 to make an impact on
children
Use synonyms
's lives. In fact, I strongly believe that
children
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 need guidance and support on a daily basis.
Therefore
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,
governments
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 can only marginally help solve
this
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 problem,
due to
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 the
sporatic
Use the right word
sporadic
show examples
 nature of their intervention.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, role models like
parents
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 and teachers
,
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apply
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 can have a more significant impact on
children
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's
habits
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. Starting from
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parents
Correct determiner usage
their parents
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,
undoubtedly
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undoubtedly,
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 young people emulate their
parents
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' behaviours and follow their household rules.
Therefore
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,
parents
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 should be the first to adopt healthy
habits
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,
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apply
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 and enforce stricter eating rules
to
Change preposition
for
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 their
children
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.
For example
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, it is the
parents
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 resposibility to buy fresh food and cook home-made meals, or to prohibit
children
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 from eating fast food.
Moreover
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,
It
Fix capitalization
it
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 is
parents
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'
resposibility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 to encourage
children
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 to play sports,
for instance
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 by signing them up for swimming lessons.
Body paragraph 3
Turning to teachers, it is essential that they prioritise
health
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 classes
,
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apply
show examples
 to teach
children
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 about the dangerous consequences of unhealthy eating
habits
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.
Differently
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Different
 from
governments
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' campaigns, these classes can be frequent and more
profund
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profound
.
Moreover
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, teachers are pedagogical specialists who can establish an emotional connection with their students, and discuss personal situations with more
emphaty
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empathy
.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 I believe that
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governments
Check wording
government
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 intervention can be beneficial for
young's people
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young people's
show examples
health
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, I firmly believe that
children
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's lives are significantly more impacted by their
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parents
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 and educators' guidance.
Therefore
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, it should be mainly their responsibility to teach
children
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 about healthy lifestyles and eating
habits
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.
This
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 would
be not only
Correct word order
not only be
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 the more viable, but
also
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more
Correct article usage
the more
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 effective solution.

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task response
Make your main view even more exact. You say the government has only a small part, but the question asks how far you agree. State clearly that the government should share the job, but parents and schools should lead it.
task response
Add one short point about what governments can do beyond ads. For example, they can make healthy school meals cheaper, limit junk-food ads for children, and build safe places for sport. This will make your partial agreement more complete.
task response
Your examples about home meals and swimming are useful. Add one real or clear result after an example, such as: home meals can cut the amount of sugar and fat children eat.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, main parts, and end. Keep this strong order. The first main part could be clearer if it begins with one direct topic line: governments can help, but their help is limited.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You use “Therefore” many times. Try other simple links, such as “As a result”, “Also”, “For this reason”, and “However”.
coherence and cohesion
The move from parents to teachers is clear, but the teacher part could link more closely to the main view. Say that schools support what parents do at home, so the two groups work together.
coherence and cohesion
Check small word errors because they can slow the reader: “sufficient”, “sporadic”, “responsibility”, “profound”, and “empathy”. Also write “government intervention” and “young people’s health”.
task response
You answer the full question and give a clear view: parents and teachers should have the main role, while governments can still help.
task response
Your main ideas are on topic and are explained with useful examples, such as buying fresh food, cooking at home, and joining swimming lessons.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow. Each main part has one clear focus: government action, parents, and teachers.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion match well, and the conclusion restates your main view without adding a new idea.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • childhood obesity
  • unhealthy eating habits
  • physical activity
  • government intervention
  • government policies
  • education and awareness programs
  • food industry regulation
  • marketing restrictions
  • parental responsibility
  • school curriculum
  • health education
  • health promotion
  • public health issue
  • preventive measures
  • lifestyle changes
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • junk food
  • healthier alternatives
  • obesity epidemic
  • public funds
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