IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sports facilities.other however say that this would have little effect on public health and other majores are required.discuss both views and give your opinion

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is considerable debate over whether governments should increase the number of
sports
Use synonyms
facilities
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 to improve public
health
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 or adopt other measures,
such
Linking Words
 as public
health
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awareness
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campaigns
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. I believe that improving public
health
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 requires not only greater access to
sports
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facilities
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 but
also
Linking Words
 greater
awareness
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 of the benefits of a healthy lifestyle.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, many
people
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 believe that
sports
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 play an essential role in keeping the human body healthy. Exercising and participating in
sports
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 not only improve physical
health
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 but
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
 have a positive impact on mental well-being.
Furthermore
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, regular physical activity can reduce the risk of diabetes, obesity and cardiovascular disease.
In addition
Linking Words
, affordable
sports
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 centres can encourage residents to socialise with others, which can foster a stronger sense of community.
For example
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, countries where governments provide free or affordable access to gyms, swimming pools and public
sports
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 grounds may encourage
people
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 to participate in
sports
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 more regularly, potentially reducing
health
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 problems associated with sedentary lifestyles.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, significant improvements in public
health
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 can not be achieved through
sports
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facilities
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 alone; public
awareness
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campaigns
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 are
also
Linking Words
 required.
People
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 who understand the benefits of exercise and a healthy diet may be more likely to make healthier choices.
Moreover
Linking Words
, improving nutritional standards in schools and providing regular
health
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 check-ups can help prevent disease and encourage healthier habits.
For instance
Linking Words
, public
health
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campaigns
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 that raise
awareness
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 of the dangers of excessive sugar consumption may encourage
people
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 to reduce their intake of sugary foods and drinks.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 increasing
sports
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facilities
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 can improve public
health
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,
this
Linking Words
 approach should be combined with public
health
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campaigns
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, nutritional initiatives and preventive healthcare measures.

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Task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view clearly. To make your ideas stronger, explain more fully why some people may not use new sports places, even when they are free or near their homes.
Task response
Your main view is clear: sports places should work with other health steps. Add one more clear point about a major problem, such as poor food, smoking, or long work hours, to make this view more complete.
Task response
Your examples fit the topic, but they are quite general. Use one more real-life style example, such as free exercise classes in parks with school food rules, and explain the result.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow. Each paragraph has one main idea, and the order is clear.
Coherence and cohesion
The linking words are used well, but you use “In addition” more than once. Try other simple links, such as “Also”, “As a result”, or “At the same time”.
Coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences have many ideas. Break a few of them into two shorter sentences so the key point is easier to see.
Task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain the value of sports facilities, explain other steps, and state your own opinion.
Task response
The points about exercise, healthy food, school meals, and health checks are relevant and well chosen.
Coherence and cohesion
Your introduction gives a clear plan, and your ending brings the main ideas together well.
Coherence and cohesion
Clear paragraph starts such as “On the one hand” and “However” help the reader follow the change between the two views.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Proponents
  • Preventing
  • Heart disease
  • Diabetes
  • Mental health
  • Comprehensive lifestyle changes
  • Health education
  • Public health campaigns
  • Nutritional standards
  • Healthcare services
  • Check-ups
  • Immediate and broader impact
  • Subsidized memberships
  • Initiatives to motivate people
  • Bilateral approach
  • Community centers
  • Group activities
  • Foster a sense of community
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