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Band 4.5

Some countries now have people from different cultures and ethnic groups. What is the reason for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Many people from different cultures and regions share the same
country
Use synonyms
 under one flag and the same government. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I will discuss the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
Linking Words
 combination among different groups.
Body paragraph 1
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to
Capitalize the word
To
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 begin with , the main cause of any cooperation is to fill gaps .
Moreover
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, small societies don't have the power to
mange
Use the right word
manage
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 countries, so
as a result
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 , small communities combine with each other to develop a nation, under a certain flag and a named government to rule the
country
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 .
For example
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, a
country
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 like the United States
contain
Correct subject-verb agreement
contains
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 thousands of cultures and religions from all kinds .
As a result
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 , thousands of individuals are ready to cooperate and build
for them
Correct determiner usage
a
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 stronger
country
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.
Also
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, share different ideas that
helps
Correct subject-verb agreement
help
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 to increase the educational quality and improve the next
generation
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generation's
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 abilities to continue the development journey as a cup of tea.
Body paragraph 2
Furthermore
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, in my
opinion
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opinion,
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 the cooperation among individual groups
deliver
Correct subject-verb agreement
delivers
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 positive benefits to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society .
However
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,
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also it
Correct word order
it also
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 helps to improve urban life development and achieve
futural
Correct your spelling
future
 goals.
For instance
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 , Canada
one
Punctuation problem
, one
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 of the most developed countries in the world, has the happiest city
in
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on
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 earth
Vancouver
Punctuation problem
, Vancouver
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,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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mainly because the city
popullation
Correct your spelling
population
 has different religions and cultures that cooperate to achieve their goals.
Conclusion
To conclude
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 , different people stick
within
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with
show examples
each other to maintain strength and cooperate to achieve a better place to live .
Moreover
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,all these reasons gave the combination among different groups of people a positive reason to stay attached .

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. Give clear reasons why people from many cultures live in one country, such as work, study, safety, and family. Then state clearly why this is a good or bad change.
task response
Your main reason is not clear enough. The idea that small groups join to make a country does not explain why countries now have many ethnic groups. Focus on people moving from one country to another.
task response
Explain your examples. For the US and Canada, say how people from many backgrounds can bring new skills, food, ideas, and work. Do not only say that they cooperate.
task response
You need to discuss possible bad points too, even if your view is positive. For example, there can be problems when people do not share the same language or ways of life. Then explain why you still think the good points are stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: introduction, one paragraph about reasons, one paragraph about whether it is positive or negative, and a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then give an example and explain how it supports that idea.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not used well. For example, use "however" only when you show a clear contrast. Avoid putting many link words in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make your sentences shorter and clearer. This will help the reader follow your ideas. For example, write: "People move abroad to find better jobs. They also move to study or join family members."
task response
You give a clear overall view that living with people from different cultures can be good for society.
task response
You use examples of the United States and Canada, which are relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as "For example", "Furthermore", and "To conclude" to guide the reader.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural diversity
  • ethnic groups
  • multicultural society
  • immigration
  • international migration
  • seek better opportunities
  • improve living standards
  • political instability
  • refugees and asylum seekers
  • globalisation
  • a diverse workforce
  • labour shortages
  • economic growth
  • cultural exchange
  • broaden people’s horizons
  • promote mutual understanding
  • social integration
  • language barriers
  • racial discrimination
  • social cohesion
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