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Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Some countries now have people from different cultures and ethnic groups. What is the reason for this? Is it a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
Nowadays
because
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, because
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 of the development of science
people
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, people
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 live
more
Rephrase
longer
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than before .
Therefore
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, a controversy among people
due to
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 the
Use synonyms
elders
Correct word choice
elderly
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 population . Some people believe that
elders
Use synonyms
 are a main part of any
society
Punctuation problem
society,
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while
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other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 oppose.In
this
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 essay, I will discuss both points of view
whether
Punctuation problem
, whether
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ornot
Correct your spelling
or not
.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with,the population of the grown ups deliver many various privileges to our communities and
a
Verb problem
is a
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main society builder .
Elders
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 have
certian
Correct your spelling
certain
 experience that can't be achieved in
today
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today's
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 life,
Body paragraph 2
especially from retired profissionals that managed the
country
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 in the past. These
elders
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 are a real
invsetment
Correct your spelling
investment
 that don't stay long.
For instance
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, Japan became a developed
country
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 after
they
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it
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 gave the elderly community their
necessaries
Correct your spelling
necessities
 and invested in their planning abilities.
Body paragraph 3
Furthermore
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 , nothing comes
with
Change preposition
in
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 a perfect form.
Use synonyms
Elders
Correct word choice
Elderly
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 health requirements are very
expiensive for any
Correct word order
expensive for any country's
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country
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 economy. Growns require the latest medicines and the best medical
equipments
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equipment
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,all of these needs require
to
Use the right word
too
show examples
 much dibs for the governments to
offord
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afford
.
For example
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, China invested in medical experiments and healthcare development to develop
their
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its
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 hospitals and provide a better environment for the
Replace the word
elderly
elders
Use synonyms
.
As a result
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, a developed
country
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 that
import
Correct subject-verb agreement
imports
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 goods from many
industrial
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industrialised countries
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Conclusion
To conclude
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 ,
grown ups
Correct your spelling
grown-ups
 are a base part of any society that carry good impact on the community . I firmly believe that the privileges outweigh the drawbacks .

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task response
Your essay answers a different question. The topic asks about people from different cultures and ethnic groups, but your writing is about older people. Read the topic very carefully and make sure every main point answers it.
task response
For this topic, explain why people move or live in other countries, such as work, study, war, or better life. Then clearly say if this change is good or bad, and give reasons for your view.
task response
Give full examples that support your point. Your Japan and China examples are about old people, so they do not help answer the topic.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear plan: an introduction that names the topic, one paragraph about reasons, one or two paragraphs about good and bad sides, and a short conclusion with your own view.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Some sentences are not complete, and the last example ends in the middle. Finish each idea before starting a new one.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words in a clear way: 'First', 'Also', 'However', 'For example', and 'In conclusion'. Make sure the word after each link matches the point in the paragraph.
task response
You try to give both sides and you give your own view in the conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, main paragraphs, and a conclusion, which is a good basic shape.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as 'To begin with', 'Furthermore', 'For instance', and 'To conclude'.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural diversity
  • ethnic groups
  • multicultural society
  • immigration
  • international migration
  • seek better opportunities
  • improve living standards
  • political instability
  • refugees and asylum seekers
  • globalisation
  • a diverse workforce
  • labour shortages
  • economic growth
  • cultural exchange
  • broaden people’s horizons
  • promote mutual understanding
  • social integration
  • language barriers
  • racial discrimination
  • social cohesion
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