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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

It is better to be self-employed rather than work for a company or organisation. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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Introduction
Nowadays, some people think that rather than working for a company it is better to
self-employed
Verb problem
be self-employed
show examples
. I strongly agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement because
this
Linking Words
 can lead to better
productivity
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 it can save a
lot
Use synonyms
 of resources.
Body paragraph 1
The main reason for my agreement is
Linking Words
this
Correct word choice
that this
show examples
 can lead to
enhance the
Replace the word
enhancing
productivity
Use synonyms
.
In other words
Linking Words
, no one can control your ideas because you are independent, and you will have more space to generate more ideas.
For example
Linking Words
, if you are working for a
company
Punctuation problem
company,
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 you may have a manager
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 will control your creative ideas and put you
in
Change preposition
under
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 a
lot
Use synonyms
 of stress
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can reduce your
productivity
Use synonyms
 ,
whereas
Linking Words
 being self-employed gives you more freedom.
As a result
Linking Words
, you can start doing what you think is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
best, and
this
Linking Words
 can decrease a
lot
Use synonyms
 of stress that comes with the working environment
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 leads to better
productivity
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
In addition
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can save a
lot
Use synonyms
 of resources
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as money and
Use synonyms
time
Punctuation problem
time,
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 that goes with working for a company. To explain, money
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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spent on transportation
like
Punctuation problem
, like
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cars
Check wording
car
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 fuel
because
Punctuation problem
, because
show examples
 you have to drive there can decrease a
lot
Use synonyms
, and the
time
Use synonyms
 that goes with traffic can be reduced.
For instance
Linking Words
, working online does not require driving to the workplace or getting stuck in traffic for hours.
Consequently
Linking Words
, you can save more
time
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 you can be better financially.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I firmly believe that being self-employed is better than working for an organisation because you can improve your
productivity
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 being independent
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
decrease
Correct subject-verb agreement
decreases
show examples
 a
lot
Use synonyms
 of stress, and you can save a
lot
Use synonyms
 of money that goes
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 transportation
Linking Words
as
Punctuation problem
, as
show examples
 well as better
time
Use synonyms
 management.

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task response
Your view is clear: you agree that self-employment is better. However, explain why this is better for most people, not only for people who work online. You could also say that self-employment has risks, such as less steady pay, then explain why you still agree.
task response
Develop each main point more fully. In the first body part, show how freedom can help a person make better work plans and get more done. In the second, explain that saving travel time and money may not be true for every self-employed person.
task response
Your examples fit your ideas, but they are quite general. Add one clear example, such as a web worker who works from home and uses the saved travel time to meet more clients.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. Keep this plan, but make the link between each idea smoother. For example, after saying that a manager may limit ideas, explain directly how this causes less work to be done.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and repeat the same point. Use shorter sentences and avoid saying “a lot” many times. This will make your meaning easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. “For example”, “In addition”, and “Consequently” are used well, but make sure the sentence after each one clearly proves the point before it.
coherence and cohesion
Check key grammar in your links: write “it is better to be self-employed”, “this can enhance productivity”, “money spent on fuel”, and “this decreases stress”. Clear grammar helps the reader follow your ideas.
task response
You answer the question directly and keep the same clear view from the start to the end.
task response
Your two main ideas are relevant: more freedom at work and less time and money spent on travel.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body part has one main idea and the ending restates your view.
coherence and cohesion
You use helpful signposts such as “For example”, “In addition”, and “In conclusion” to guide the reader.
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