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Band 4.5

In many parts of the world, childhood obesity has become a major public health problem. What are the main causes of this issue, and what solutions can be proposed to address it?

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Introduction
In many world regions, one of the major public health problems is adolescent obesity.
This
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 is happening because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
Use synonyms
 are now less active than previously.
However
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, setting rules and
Combining
Fix capitalization
combining
show examples
 their favourite
food
Use synonyms
 with healthier
option
Check wording
options
show examples
 can be
on
Use the right word
one
show examples
 of the solutions.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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,
children
Use synonyms
 now are less active than previous generations.
In other words
Linking Words
, in the past
Use synonyms
children
Punctuation problem
, children
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 used to spend most of their time playing in the garden or moving around their home
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can burn a lot of calories.
As a result
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, their
body's
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bodies
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 were fit
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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less obesity problems were there
Correct word order
there were fewer obesity problems
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. Nowadays,
children
Use synonyms
 spend most of their time playing
at
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on
show examples
 their iPads, and
this
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 will lead to less movement
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can contribute to being overweight.
In addition
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, fast
food
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 restaurants that
children
Use synonyms
 eats contain a lot of unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 because it is processed
food
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which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 can cause
to gain a significant amount of weight
Unsplit the infinitive
a significant amount of weight gain
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.
Body paragraph 2
In terms of solutions, making rules and combining their favourite foods with healthy dishes can make them have the benefit of
food
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 without
banding
Use the right word
banning
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 their enjoyment.
For instance
Linking Words
, if they want to eat a
burger
Punctuation problem
burger,
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 they can eat it
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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 they have to complete their salad first.
Consequently
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, eating salad first might lead to
feeling
Correct article usage
a feeling
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 of fullness, and they might leave the burger without forcing
them
Correct pronoun usage
themselves
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.
Body paragraph 3
Moreover
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, making them love the physical activities can contribute to
solve
Wrong verb form
solving
show examples
this
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 problem.
To
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For
show examples
 example, rewarding them with the things they like
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as buying
for
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apply
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them toys after finishing their required minutes of playing
football
Punctuation problem
football,
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 can be beneficial and easy to do.
Conclusion
In conclusion, there are many causes for childhood obesity
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as eating unhealthy
food
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 and less exercise. It is
also
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 true that solutions like creating a reward environment
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and making obligations for eating can eliminate
this
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 issue in the future.

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task response
You answer both parts: causes and solutions. To make the answer stronger, explain each main idea more fully. For example, say why screen time makes children less active and why fast food can lead to weight gain.
task response
Keep the same group of people throughout. The question is about childhood obesity, but your essay says “adolescent obesity” at the start. Use “children” or “childhood obesity” in all parts.
task response
Your food idea is clear, but it may not work for every child. Add wider steps, such as healthy school meals, less junk food at home, and safe places for children to play.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: causes first and solutions after that. Make each main paragraph focus on one idea. The first body paragraph has two causes, so consider giving lack of activity and unhealthy food their own paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. “Firstly”, “In addition”, “For instance”, and “In conclusion” are helpful, but do not use them for every new sentence. Clear topic sentences will also help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas more direct. For example, instead of “this will lead to less movement”, write “This reduces the time children spend moving, so they burn fewer calories.”
coherence and cohesion
Check word forms and small errors because they sometimes stop the flow. For example: “children eat”, “one solution”, “healthier options”, “banning”, “their bodies”, and “For example”.
task response
You give two clear causes: less exercise and unhealthy fast food. You also give useful solutions about healthier eating and more physical activity.
task response
The examples of children using iPads, eating burgers and salad, and getting rewards for football make your ideas easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This gives the writing a clear overall shape.
coherence and cohesion
You use several helpful linking phrases, such as “As a result”, “In addition”, “For instance”, and “Consequently”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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