IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The increase in mobile phone use in recent years has transformed the way we live, communicate and do business. Mobile phones can also be the cause of social or medical problems. What forms do these problems take? Do you think the advantages outweigh the disadvantages of mobile phones? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is no denying the fact that the use of
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphones
phones
Use synonyms
 has
been
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
increased lately, and plays a vital role in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human lives in terms of communication and business.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss how the mobile
Use synonyms
phones
Check wording
phone
show examples
usage
Use synonyms
 will have
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
cosequences
Correct your spelling
consequences
, and whether the advantages will outweigh
it is
Correct determiner usage
its
show examples
 drawbacks or not.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, there are many consequences for high
usage
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 of
the
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apply
show examples
smartphones
Body paragraph 2
Firstly
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, the high
usage
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 of mobile
phones
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 will affect
people
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people's
show examples
 interaction.
In other words
Linking Words
, mobile
phone
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phones
show examples
 will prevent people from doing activities
such
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 as
,
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apply
show examples
 talking,
doing exercise
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exercising
 and eating together,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 will significantly reduce the communiation.
In addition
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, social media apps have a direct impact
to
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on
show examples
humans's
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humans'
show examples
 concentration.
For example
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, Tiktok platform
, it
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apply
show examples
 shows
a
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apply
show examples
short
time video
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videos
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 based on your
interest
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interests
show examples
, and you will have a syndrome of scrolling a lot for these
kind
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kinds
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 of videos,
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 will
effect
Use the right word
affect
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 your
long
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long-term
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 focus in college lectures.
Body paragraph 3
In terms of the advantages,
smart
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smartphones
phones
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 make our lives much easier than before.
it
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It
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 is possible to say that you can use the
phones
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 for searching about infromation or
place
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a place
show examples
 you want to visit, ordering food, and
create
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creating
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 a website for your business.
Moreover
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,
chating
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chatting
 and communicating with international people.
For instance
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,
Instagram
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the Instagram
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 platform
, it
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apply
show examples
 connects a huge population
from
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apply
show examples
worldwide
,
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;
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 from
this
Linking Words
application
Punctuation problem
application,
show examples
 you can contact and create
an
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apply
show examples
international friends.
Body paragraph 4
In conclusion, there are many bad consequences for the high
usage
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 of mobile
phones
Use synonyms
Linking Words
such
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, such
show examples
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
loosing
Use the right word
losing
show examples
 concentration
,
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apply
show examples
 and
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of activity.
Conclusion
it
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It
show examples
 is
also
Linking Words
 true that
,
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apply
show examples
 using the smart phone in a correct way will make your life much better,
such
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 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 searching, ordering food, and
create
Wrong verb form
creating
show examples
 an international network
by
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through
show examples
 the platforms.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: you show social and health problems, and you give good points about phones. However, your final view is not clear enough. Say clearly if the good points are greater than the bad points, and explain why.
task response
Develop the health point more. You write about loss of focus, but you could also explain sleep problems, eye pain, or less exercise. Give one clear result for each problem.
task response
Your examples of TikTok and Instagram are useful, but explain them in more detail. For example, say how long scrolling can harm study, or how phones help a small business find new buyers.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear order: introduction, problems, good points, and conclusion. Keep this plan, but make the first body paragraph a complete paragraph before starting 'Firstly'.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words to show the next idea, such as 'For example', 'As a result', 'On the other hand', and 'Therefore'. Do not use too many ideas in one long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the conclusion match your main answer. It should briefly name the main problems and benefits, then give one direct final opinion about which side is stronger.
task response
You give relevant ideas about less face-to-face talk, loss of focus, finding information, ordering food, and contact with people in other countries.
task response
The TikTok and Instagram examples make your ideas more real and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses separate parts for problems and benefits, so the reader can follow your main points.
coherence and cohesion
You include both an introduction and a conclusion, which gives the writing a clear shape.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • over-reliance
  • cyberbullying
  • screen time
  • data privacy
  • identity theft
  • financial fraud
  • eye strain
  • sleep disorders
  • chronic issues
  • productivity
  • notifications
  • validation
  • self-esteem
What to do next:
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