IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

many manufactured food and drink products contain high level off sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

2.5 / 9
Band scoreView breakdown ↓
✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
The issue of many manufactured
food
Use synonyms
 and
drink
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
contain
Wrong verb form
containing
show examples
 high
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
 of
sugar
Use synonyms
 has become a significant concern in
recents
Correct your spelling
recent
 years.It is widely believed that it impact on
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
health
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay explores the causes of
this
Linking Words
 problem and suggests
possible
Correct article usage
a possible
show examples
 solution.
Body paragraph 1
One major cause is that many
people
Use synonyms
 become
density
Use the right word
obese
show examples
 because
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 high level of
sugar
Use synonyms
 in many
food
Use synonyms
 and
drink
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
,which affects
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
health
Use synonyms
.Another factor is that young
people
Use synonyms
 feel tired from any effort,as seen in a boy
always
Correct pronoun usage
who always
show examples
 eats from outside his house.
As a result
Linking Words
 ,his weight might increase because the unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
 whose eat it everyday,which has significant implications for the boy`s
health
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
One solution is that the government should put
limit
Correct article usage
a limit
show examples
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 and
drink
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
,which would help
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 reduce impacting of
Use synonyms
people
Check wording
people's
show examples
health
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,if a girl eats
from
Change preposition
apply
show examples
sugary
products
Use synonyms
 ,her
health
Use synonyms
 will not be in
dangerous
Replace the word
danger
.Another solution is that the government should
be made the
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
food
Use synonyms
 and drinks more expensive to
ensourage
Correct your spelling
encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to consume less
sugar
Use synonyms
,which has been shown to avoid the drawbacks of eating
food
Use synonyms
 and
drinks
Replace the word
drink
products
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
,the
food
Use synonyms
 and
drink
Use synonyms
products
Use synonyms
 that contain
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 level of
sugar
Use synonyms
 are
pressing
Correct article usage
a pressing
show examples
 issue.By adopting
to
Check wording
measures to
show examples
 reduce the amount of
sugar
Use synonyms
 and make it expensive,we can address the root causes
ans
Correct your spelling
and
 work towards a better outcome.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Task response
Answer the question more directly. The task asks if you agree or disagree that high sugar food and drinks should cost more. Your essay talks about causes and solutions, but it does not clearly say if you agree or disagree.
Task response
State your main view in the first part. For example: “I agree that sugary products should cost more because this can help people buy less sugar and can support better health.” Then make each main part support this view.
Task response
Give stronger reasons for your ideas. Explain how a higher price can change what people buy. You can also say that the money from this price rise could help health work or make healthy food cheaper.
Task response
Use examples that clearly support your point. The boy and girl examples are not fully clear. Give a simple real-life example, such as a family choosing water instead of a high-sugar drink because the drink costs more.
Coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer plan: first part with your view, one main part with your first reason, one main part with your second reason, and a final part that repeats your view.
Coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. The first body paragraph moves from sugar to young people feeling tired and then to one boy. This makes the point hard to follow.
Coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a clear way. Words such as “First”, “Also”, “For example”, “However”, and “As a result” can help, but make sure the next sentence really follows the one before it.
Coherence and cohesion
Make the final part match your answer. Do not say “root causes” if you have not clearly explained the causes. Repeat whether you agree or disagree, then give your two main reasons.
Task response
You stay on the topic of sugar in food and drinks, health, and the role of the government.
Task response
You give more than one idea, including limits on sugar and higher prices.
Coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body paragraphs, and a final part.
Coherence and cohesion
You try to use linking words such as “Another factor”, “As a result”, “For instance”, and “To sum up”.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • sugar consumption
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • encourage
  • expensive
  • reduce
  • effectively
  • discourage
  • tight budget
  • purchasing
  • disproportionately
  • lower-income individuals
  • healthier food choices
  • demand
  • regardless
What to do next:
Look at other essays: