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Band 5.5

It is a good idea for people to continue working in their old age, if it is possible for them to do so. Do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Nowadays, many
people
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 continue their
work
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, even though they have reached the retirement
age
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,
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.
show examples
 I personally agree that continuing
work
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 is a good idea if elderly
people
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 are able to do
this
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 physically.
Body paragraph 1
One of the main advantages of keeping
work
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 in old
age
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 is financial independence.
People
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 who can continue working in old
age
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 earn a regular salary , and they can meet their needs.
As a result
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, they do not need to rely on their children and their family for their needs. It can help them to maintain savings , and
then
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 they will become ready for unexpected costs.
For instance
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, if elderly
people
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work
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 only half part time job, they can purchase household things without asking their children.
Body paragraph 2
Another important thing is that
work
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 can help elderly
people
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 to keep communicating with
people
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 and keep them more active. Having regular
work
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 gives them a daily routine and creates more opportunities to communicate with their colleagues.
This
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 can reduce loneliness and feeling bored.
Furthermore
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, elderly
people
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 have more experience, so they can share their knowledge and skills with young workers from their life experiences.
Therefore
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, continuing
work
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 after retiring is a positive effect for both the company and elderly
people
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.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
although
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 retirement can provide them more time to relax, I firmly believe that it can lead to physical and financial independence for the elderly to continue working in old
age
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, if it is possible to do so.

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task response
Your view is clear from the start, and you keep the same view in the whole essay. To make it stronger, explain more fully why work in old age gives people both money and a better social life.
task response
Develop each main point with a more real and clear example. For example, say what kind of part-time work an old person may do and how this helps with a real cost, such as food, rent, or medicine.
task response
Be careful with broad claims. Work can help many old people, but it may not be right for everyone. You can add that the work should be safe, not too hard, and chosen by the person.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this shape, but make the link from one idea to the next smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat the same words, such as “needs” and “work in old age.” Use simple other words where possible, such as “daily costs,” “a job,” or “later life.”
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph start with one clear main idea. Then add an explanation and one example before moving to the next point. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words carefully. “For instance,” “As a result,” and “Furthermore” are useful, but make sure the sentence after each one clearly shows the link.
task response
You answer the question directly and clearly state that you agree, as long as older people are able to work.
task response
Your two main reasons are relevant: money freedom and staying active with other people.
coherence and cohesion
The main paragraphs are well ordered, with one paragraph about money and one about social and work life.
coherence and cohesion
The ending returns to your main view and gives a clear final message.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cognitive decline
  • Mental and emotional well-being
  • Social interaction
  • Financial stability
  • Sense of purpose
  • Self-worth
  • Physical health
  • Skill utilization
  • Experience
  • Flexible working hours
  • Generational gap
  • Elderly individuals
  • Retirement
  • Workplace
  • Economic contribution
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