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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Despite the large number of gyms, a sedenatary lifestyle is gaining popularity in the contemporary world. What problems are associated with this? What solutions can you suggest?

6.5 / 9
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Introduction
The number of gyms has grown significantly over the years.
However
Linking Words
, gym membership has not increased at the same rate, and many
people
Use synonyms
 now lead largely sedentary lives.
This
Linking Words
 trend brings serious consequences that need to be addressed.
Body paragraph 1
The most serious problem is the rise in obesity, as
people
Use synonyms
 who spend most of their day sitting burn far fewer calories.
This
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 can lead to diabetes and other long-term conditions
such
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 as heart disease. Diabetes can make someone's life much harder
whether
Correct word choice
, as
show examples
 they might lose a foot or leg if they do not start their treatment early.
Moreover
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, sitting or lying in a bed all day might cause some can
also
Linking Words
 harm mental health. Mentally, they can develop depression, lonelinessand anxiety. Exercise naturally improves mood, so
people
Use synonyms
 who rarely move lose one of the simplest ways of managing stress.
Body paragraph 2
Several practical measures could encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to become more active. Since many
people
Use synonyms
 sit at desks all day, employers could provide standing desks and encourage short walking breaks. Governments could build safer cycling routes and pedestrian-friendly streets, making it easier to walk
instead
Linking Words
 of
drive
Wrong verb form
driving
show examples
. Schools could increase physical education lessons, helping children build active habits early. Taxing short car and taxi journeys could
also
Linking Words
 encourage walking.
For example
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, someone who has just left a train station and needs a grocery store ten minutes away would walk rather than pay the extra cost of a taxi.
Conclusion
In conclusion, a sedentary lifestyle contributes to both physical conditions
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as obesity and mental problems
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as depression. Encouraging movement at work, school, and in city design could help reverse
this
Linking Words
 trend.

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task response
You answer both parts of the task. To make the response stronger, explain more clearly why people do not use gyms, such as long work hours, cost, or lack of time. This will link the main idea about gyms more closely to the rest of the essay.
task response
Your problems and answers are clear and useful. Add one more short detail to show how each answer can work. For example, say how work breaks can help people move more during the day.
task response
The example about a taxi is clear and real. You could also give a short example for schools or workplaces so the ideas feel more fully shown.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part plan: opening, problems, answers, and ending. Keep this plan in future writing.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as "However", "Moreover", "Since", and "For example" help the reader follow your ideas. Add a clear link before the mental health point, such as "In addition".
coherence and cohesion
Some lines are hard to follow because of grammar and word order. For example, change "sitting or lying in a bed all day might cause some can also harm mental health" to "Sitting or lying in bed all day can also harm mental health." This will make the flow much smoother.
coherence and cohesion
Check small writing errors, such as "sedentary" and "loneliness". Also avoid very long sentences when a full stop would make the meaning clearer.
task response
You give clear problems: obesity, heart disease, diabetes, depression, loneliness, and anxiety. You also give several useful answers at work, in schools, and in cities.
task response
Your ending clearly brings together the main problems and the main answers.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear focus, so the reader can follow the essay easily.
coherence and cohesion
The order of ideas is logical: you first explain the harm, then give ways to help people become more active.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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