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Band 4.5

Nowadays, more and more people are travelling to other countries. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

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Introduction
Nowadays, more and more
people
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 are travelling to other countries. Do you think
this
Linking Words
 is a positive or negative
development
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?/
Body paragraph 1
An increasing number of
people
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 are travelling abroad nowadays. Some
people
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 claim that it is a negative
developmet
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development
.
Whereas
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 I believe that it is a positive
development
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, as there will be more
chance
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chances
show examples
 of
gitiing
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getting
 jobs, and international
relationship
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 cna be developed.
Body paragraph 2
Some
people
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 argue that it is a negative
development
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 for
people
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 to travel to
differnt reigions
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different regions
. Having
lots
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 of
visiters
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visitors
show examples
, there might be some problems caused,
such
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 as
destruction
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the destruction
show examples
 of cultures, over
tourism
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, and so on.
For example
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,
tourists
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 do not know
spesific
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specific
 policy or rules of the culture in most cases, which might
cuase
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cause
 them to act in unmannerd way.
Such
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 as
talikng
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talking
 over a phone, playing music with
extreamly
Correct your spelling
extremely
 high volume in parks and so on.
Additionally
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, overtourism can have negative effects on local
people
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.
Such
Linking Words
 as being unable to commute, go shopping, and travel
due to
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crouds
Correct your spelling
crowds
 caused by over
tourism
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. Considering
this
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, it is reasonable that some
people
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 place more
enphasis
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emphasis
 on the negative
development
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 side.
Body paragraph 3
Never the less
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Nevertheless
, I firmly
belive
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believe
 that more and more
people
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 travelling abroad is a positive
development
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, as more
people
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 will gain
buisness oppertunities
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business opportunities
, and for the
development
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 of international
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relationship
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relationships
show examples
.
People
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 will have higjer chance of getting their jobs,
becasue
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because
 enterprises that are related to
tourism
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,
such
Linking Words
 as airlines, hotels, and sight seeing spot will
definetlly
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definitely
 recruit more
number of
Check wording
apply
show examples
people
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, as they require
more
Correct determiner usage
apply
show examples
additional
people
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.
For example
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, hotels will require
considerable
Correct article usage
a considerable
show examples
 number of
people
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, as they have
differnt
Correct your spelling
different
 roles for each
workers
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worker
show examples
.
Additionally
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, having
lots
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 of
tourists
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, realtionships international
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relationship
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relationships
show examples
 can be developed.
For example
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, if
tourists
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 behave very well
mannared
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mannered
, the reputation of the
tourists
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' country will get better.
Tourists
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 can
also
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 learn things that they
cna not
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cannot
 learn in their countries
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as cultures,
fasion
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fashion
, art, and so on.
Conclusion
Admittedly,there are some negative effects
to have
Change preposition
of having
show examples
lots
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 of
tourists
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.
Such
Linking Words
 as destruction of
cultres
Correct your spelling
cultures
 and over
tourism
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.
However
Linking Words
, I
belive
Correct your spelling
believe
 that it is a positive
development
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 to have
lots
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 of
tourists
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, as the local
people
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 can get better
oppertunities
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 of
geiing
Correct your spelling
getting
 a job, and international
relationship
Use synonyms
 cna be developed.

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task response
You answer the question and give a clear view: this is a positive change. Keep this view clear in every part of the essay.
task response
Your main ideas are jobs and better links between countries. Explain each idea more fully. For jobs, say how more travel leads to more work in hotels, food places, and travel firms.
task response
The idea about links between countries needs more care. Good acts by some visitors may help, but this is not a strong main reason. Show how travel helps people know other ways of life and build trust.
task response
Your examples fit the topic, but they are quite general. Add one clear example with a place, a group of people, and a result.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: start, negative side, positive side, and end. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Put one main idea in each body part. In the positive part, jobs and links between countries are both useful, but each needs its own full paragraph or a clearer split.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. For example: “However”, “For example”, “As a result”, and “In contrast”. Do not start too many lines with “Such as”.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end shorter and stronger. Do not repeat many of the same words. State your view again and give the two best reasons in one clear sentence.
language control
Check spelling and word form carefully. For example: “development”, “getting”, “different”, “tourism”, “crowds”, “business”, “opportunities”, and “relationships”.
language control
Use full sentences for examples. Instead of “Such as talking over a phone”, write “For example, some visitors may talk loudly on the phone in a park.”
task response
You discuss both sides before giving your own view, which shows that you understand the task.
task response
The points about crowding, culture, and jobs are linked well to travel abroad.
coherence and cohesion
The first paragraph clearly shows your view and gives the reader a plan for the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Additionally”, “However”, and “For example” help show links between ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • affordability
  • accessibility
  • cultural exchange
  • global connectivity
  • economic contributor
  • environmental impact
  • cultural erosion
  • infrastructure
  • overtourism
  • global perspective
  • socio-economic implications
  • career opportunities
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