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Band 6.5

In many countries, shopping is becoming a free time activity that replaces traditional hobbies, such as reading and sport. What are the reasons for this? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
In several nations, shopping has become an increasingly popular leisure activity. A lot of people prefer it over conventional hobbies like reading or sports. The main reasons for
this
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 situation are the convenience and instant gratification it provides. I believe it is a negative development as it can have negative impacts on both individuals and society.
Body paragraph 1
Indulging in shopping is a much easier and more gratifying experience.
This
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 is because it requires very little effort these days and can be done from anywhere, whether sitting at home
,
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 or in the workplace,
whereas
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 engaging in a sport may require a person to get ready and put in some physical work.
This
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 ease encourages individuals to spend more time buying things.
Moreover
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, purchasing new things is simply more rewarding than reading,
for example
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, as it releases dopamine in the brain , which is the primary hormone responsible for making people feel happy.
For example
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, a young student would prefer to buy a new purse during her break time rather than reading additional pages of a novel , as a new purse will bring her joy almost immediately
Body paragraph 2
However
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, no matter how appealing it seems,
this
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 situation can be more harmful than good. When young people shop more and more
instead
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 of doing productive activities like sports or reading, it makes them dull over time and can impact their holistic development.
Also
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,
such
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 pastime will put additional strain on natural resources as more demand leads to more production.
For example
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, the tendency of youngsters not to
to
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repeat their outfits encourages them to hoard more clothes, which ultimately leads to
over-utilization
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over-utilisation
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 of available resources.
Conclusion
In conclusion, shopping is a preferred pastime over other traditional hobbies
due to
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 its ease and addictive reward system.
Nevertheless
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, it can be highly detrimental for our future generation in terms of impacting their
overall
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 growth and draining their available stock of natural resources.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question clearly: you give reasons and state that this is a bad change. To make the view stronger, explain more fully why reading and sport are important. For example, sport can help health, while reading can build ideas and focus.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but some claims need more support. The point about dopamine is interesting, yet it is very broad. You could say that buying gives a quick feeling of joy, while hobbies often give slower but longer-lasting good results.
task response
Your examples fit the topic. Make them more real and clear by showing a result. For example, a student who spends each break shopping online may read less, move less, and spend more money than planned.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear shape: an opening, one paragraph on reasons, one paragraph on bad effects, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with a little more care. “However” starts the second main paragraph, but the paragraph mainly gives the bad side of the issue rather than a direct contrast. Try “This trend, however,” or begin more directly: “This trend can cause serious harm.”
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences could be split into two shorter ones. This will make the ideas easier to read. For example, separate the point about easy online shopping from the point about sport needing time and effort.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating words such as “negative” and “impact.” Use simple different words, such as “harm,” “effect,” or “damage,” when they fit.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep the same view through the whole essay.
task response
The reasons for shopping are well chosen: it is easy, can be done anywhere, and gives quick joy.
task response
The points about less activity and more use of natural resources are both linked well to the question.
coherence and cohesion
Each main paragraph has one clear central idea, and the examples come after the ideas they support.
coherence and cohesion
The ending restates the key reasons and your view in a clear way.
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