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Writing Samples
Band 6

Many children today are overweight. This is a serious health problem. Give the reasons for this and give the solutions to solve this problem.

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Introduction
Around the world, many health issues are increasing.
Obesity
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 is one of these main health issues.
Kids
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 suffer most from
this
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problem
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.
This
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 essay will examine the reasons for
child
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obesity
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 and provide solutions to solve
this
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problem
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.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, there are several reasons responsible for
child
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obesity
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.
Firstly
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,
kids
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 are less active as technology keeps improving every day.
For example
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, they prefer playing virtual games
instead
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 of engaging in physical activities.
Additionally
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, an unhealthy environment can discourage
children
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.
Secondly
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, consuming unhealthy
food
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 is a huge
problem
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.
For instance
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, today, there are many delivery applications that make it easy for
kids
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 to access fast
food
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.
For example
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,
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
children
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's birthday parties, the family serves an excessive amount of sweets.
Thirdly
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, some
children
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 suffer from genetic problems. Unfortunately,
obesity
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 can occur because of the
parents
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' unawareness of past family genetic problems.
In addition
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,
parents
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 are not practising annual doctor check-ups.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, each
problem
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 has a solution. First of all,
children
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 should be more active. They should adopt sports
such
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 as basketball and football.
Also
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, they can set a physically active schedule, including walking and cycling.
Second,
Linking Words
eating more healthy
food
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 is a priority. Cooking homemade healthy meals can help prevent
obesity
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.
Parents
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 can teach their
kids
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 about the cons of junk
food
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.
Third,
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parents
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 should be aware of their elders' medical history.
For example
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, they should check their family medical records via the clinic. Communication between relatives can be useful too.
Also
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going
Punctuation problem
, going
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 to the doctor for regular check-ups is a positive step.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is clear to see that multiple things cause
child
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obesity
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.
However
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, with the introduction of a healthy lifestyle,
this
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 can solve many
child
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 health problems.

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task response
Answer both parts in full. You give causes and ways to help, but some points need more detail. For example, explain how phone games lead to less movement and more weight.
task response
Keep each cause close to its own answer. Less activity can be helped by sport and time outside. Junk food can be helped by healthy food at home and less fast food.
task response
Make the health history point more clear. Family genes may raise the chance of being overweight, but parents do not cause genes by not knowing about them. Say that check-ups can find the risk early.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. The fast-food app and birthday sweets examples are useful, but say how often this happens and why it may lead to too much food.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. Make the links between ideas more natural. Do not use "For example" twice in the same short part.
coherence and cohesion
Use one main idea in each paragraph. In the first body part, group the causes in a clear order: less movement, bad food, then family health risk.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words with care: "First", "Second", "Also", "As a result", and "Finally". This will make the order easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last paragraph more direct. Restate the main causes and say that parents, schools, and health care staff can work together.
task response
You address both causes and solutions, and your ideas stay on the topic.
task response
You give useful causes, such as less activity, fast food, and family health risk.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as "Firstly", "Additionally", and "In conclusion" help the reader follow your ideas.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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