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Writing Samples
Band 8

Some people think that the spirit of competition should be encouraged in children. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete grow up to be more productive adults. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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Many divergent views exist on the crucial types of activities kids should be enrolled in. Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that encouraging solo tasks fosters a spirit of challenge,
thus
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 helping children to be more effective adults.
However
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, I align with those who argue that teamwork is the most important approach for their development.
This
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 essay will explore both perspectives and
then
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 present my opinion. One of the main arguments put forward by those who support the former opinion is that the competitive feeling makes children strive for excellence.
In other words
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, individual work creates a sense of challenge and motivates them to work harder to achieve a desired goal.
Consequently
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, they will grow up to be hardworking and dedicated adults. Evidence illustrates that
people
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 put in extra effort and tend to achieve more when they participate in competitions.
On the other hand
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, other
people
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, including myself argue that young
people
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 should be raised to be team players. Partnership teaches young individuals essential communication skills and empathy.
Moreover
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, teammates are usually supportive, helpful, and active listeners, and these are prime characteristics of leaders. Unsurprisingly, a 2020 study conducted by a group of researchers at the University of Cambridge, UK, found that companies which maintain cooperation and regular interaction between their employees earn more profit than others. In conclusion, I firmly believe that
family
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families
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 and schools should focus on promoting collaboration among pupils.
While
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 independent engagements encourage children to excel, teamwork helps them to develop important skills for life and ultimately to be successful in their adulthood.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure to use a variety of linking words to enhance cohesion.
task achievement
Although the essay presents a balanced view, further elaboration or examples could enhance the depth, especially in the first point.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, exploration of both views, and a conclusion.
task achievement
The essay effectively presents both sides of the argument and clearly states the writer's opinion.
coherence cohesion
The arguments are logically developed with supporting evidence, such as the study from the University of Cambridge.
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