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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people think that men and women have different qualities, therefore certain jos are suitable for men and others for women. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Introduction
People believe that males and
females
Use synonyms
 are structurally different from each other in many human traits
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
 physical, emotional and mental
that
Correct pronoun usage
, which
show examples
 makes one
gender
Use synonyms
 better in certain
jobs
Use synonyms
 than another. I agree with the statement that men and women have better chances of
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
success
Use synonyms
 in specific careers.
However
Linking Words
, in today's world
Punctuation problem
, women's
show examples
women's
Check wording
women
show examples
 are more likely to see some tough
jobs
Use synonyms
 that society never expected from them.
Body paragraph 1
To start with, it is more likely to
seen
Wrong verb form
see
show examples
 the rate
Use synonyms
success
Change preposition
of success
show examples
 for specfic
gender
Use synonyms
 in certain roles at the workplace and in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
daily life. Take an example of a car garage, males are assigned to heavy labour
jobs
Use synonyms
due to
Linking Words
 their biological strenght whilst
females
Use synonyms
 are appointed for sales and receptionist
due to
Linking Words
 their ability to attend
people
Change preposition
to people
show examples
 better. There are several more examples like ladies perform better in a profession
such
Linking Words
 as nurse, teacher and chef because of their caring nature
Linking Words
whereas
Punctuation problem
, whereas
show examples
 gentlemen have more
success
Use synonyms
 in
jobs
Use synonyms
 like
army
Correct article usage
the army
show examples
, oil
drills
Replace the word
drilling,
 and brick layers where it takes more
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
physical ability.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, the parameters of
gender
Use synonyms
 specific roles are being shrunk. That being said, some
jobs
Use synonyms
 that were never meant for
females
Use synonyms
like
Punctuation problem
, like
show examples
police
Correct article usage
the police
show examples
 force, army
and
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 are
bieng
Correct your spelling
being
 accepted by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society as they
proved
Verb problem
have proved
show examples
 themselves
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 many occasions.
Females
Use synonyms
 are getting more chances to explore their
ability
Fix the agreement mistake
abilities
show examples
 in different fields where they
never
Verb problem
have never
show examples
given
Verb problem
been given
show examples
 a chance in history.
For instance
Linking Words
, police departments and law enforcement are accepting more roles for women in a workforce that was never to be seen in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
history.
Conclusion
To conclude
Linking Words
,
their
Use the right word
there
show examples
 are some biological benefits for each
gender
Use synonyms
 that
suits the
Correct subject-verb agreement
suit
show examples
 certain
jobs
Use synonyms
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 by providing them
a
Change preposition
with
show examples
 proper training and
oppertunity
Correct your spelling
opportunity
, possiblity of
success
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 higher for
anyone
Correct pronoun usage
everyone
show examples
.

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task response
Your answer has a clear view: men and women may do well in some jobs, but both should have chances in all fields. Make this view more exact in the first part. Say if you agree only in part, and keep the same view in every paragraph.
task response
Give more full reasons for each main point. For example, explain why care work may suit some people, but also say that skill, training, and personal choice can be more important than sex.
task response
Your examples are linked to the topic, such as car work, police work, and the army. Make them more careful. Do not say all men or all women have the same skills; use words like “some” and “often”.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a good order: opening, two main parts, and ending. Make the link between the two main parts clearer. The first says jobs suit one sex, but the next says these job limits are getting smaller.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. Then add one reason, one example, and a short link back to your view. This will help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words in a natural way, such as “For example”, “However”, “Also”, and “As a result”. Avoid long or unclear lines such as “That being said” when a simple link is enough.
coherence and cohesion
Check word forms and sentence parts so your ideas are easy to follow. For example, write “women are” not “women’s are”, “the success rate” not “the rate success”, and “were never given a chance” not “never given a chance”.
task response
You answer both sides of the issue and give a balanced ending: natural body differences may matter in some work, but training and chance can help anyone do well.
task response
You use real job examples, including garage work, nursing, teaching, police work, and the army. These help show what you mean.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay is easy to see as four parts: an opening, two body paragraphs, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use contrast words such as “However” and “whereas” to show the change from old job ideas to wider chances for women.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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