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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

These days a growing number of people with health problems are trying alternative medicines and treatments instead of visiting their usual doctor. Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples form your own knowledge or experience.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays
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Nowadays,
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 problems are drastically increasing in everybody's
lives
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lives,
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 most of them are
Use synonyms
health realed
Correct your spelling
health-related
. So, most
of
Change preposition
apply
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individuals decide to do home remedies ,buying
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rendom
Correct your spelling
random
 drug store medicines and so on to save money and time .As
Correct article usage
a result
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result
Add a comma
result,
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 they
incounter with
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encounter
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 more serious issues.
According to
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me
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me,
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 there can be valid reasons why they chose
this
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 way
but
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, but
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 it can cause them more
merits
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harm
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.
Body paragraph 1
First disadvantage is,
due to
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influmation
Correct your spelling
inflation
 in every sector
people
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, people
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 want to save their many where ever they can.So, most
the
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of the
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 money from pay check goes to
insurances
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insurance
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such
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 as
health
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, dentist and many more. Because of that, they decide to use alternatives ,
Which
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which
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 cost them less. But, consuming
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rendom
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random
 medicine can become the reason of causing other
health
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 issues
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such
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, such
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 as liver failure,heart deasice because of lack of knowledge.
Body paragraph 2
Second point , in hospitals usually waiting time for an appointment is
for
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usually for
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 months
instead
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 of waiting for that long
patents
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. Patients
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 prefer to find alternatives on online websites
which
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, which
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 can provide quick and easy treatments without any official scan , lab tests and doctor observation. It can create
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furthermore dangerous problems
Correct word order
dangerous problems, furthermore
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.
For instance
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, on most
of
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apply
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social media
rendom
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health
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 creators try to influence viewers about multiple types of medicines from unauthorised
comapnies
Correct your spelling
companies
 just for earning money
due to
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 hipe of benefits consumer buy them as
a
Correct article usage
an
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 easy
sourse
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source
 without thinking about
consisounses
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cons
. They only realise their mistake after
long term
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long-term
 effects when they have no other option left other
Linking Words
then
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than
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 making
appointment
Correct article usage
an appointment
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 with
official
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an official
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 doctor.
Conclusion
In conclusion, home remedies and
Use synonyms
rendom
Correct your spelling
random
 medicine can work sometime but
it
Fix the agreement mistake
they
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 can putt serious impact on individuals
health
Use synonyms
.So , without
any
Correct determiner usage
a
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 doctor's consoned nobody should intake any thing to cure their problem . It can
highly
Verb problem
be highly
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dengerouse
Correct your spelling
dangerous
.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Say that this is a negative change, then keep this view in all parts of the essay.
task response
Explain each main point more fully. For example, show how self care can hide a serious illness, cause a bad drug mix, or make a person get help too late.
task response
Your example about health pages on social media is on topic, but make it more real and clear. Give one short case, such as a person who takes an online weight-loss drug and later has heart or liver problems.
task response
The line about home care being able to work sometimes adds balance, but explain that simple home care is not the same as taking unknown drugs or using unsafe treatment.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, first reason, second reason with an example, and conclusion. Your essay mostly has this plan, but some ideas are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with a clear main idea. For example: 'One main reason is the high cost of medical care.' Then give the result and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Use links in a more natural way. Try: 'As a result', 'For this reason', 'However', and 'For example'. Do not join many ideas in one very long sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Make the end shorter and stronger. Restate your view and the two main reasons: unsafe drugs and late care from a doctor.
task response
You answer the question directly and give a clear negative view of this change.
task response
You give two useful reasons: people want to save money, and they may wait a long time to see a doctor.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as 'First disadvantage', 'Second point', 'For instance', and 'In conclusion'.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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